The "Holy Sh*t, What Day IS It?" Gift Guide

We are now smack dab in the middle of Hanukkah, and realistically, there are really only 48 more shopping hours before Christmas AT BEST, and those 48 hours are probably going to increasingly feel like you’re battling against time in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” my least favorite of the holiday movie genre. If you’re like me, you probably had the BEST of intentions this year, to bang out your entire gift list in the first week of November and have everything wrapped by the second. Well, I still have a few gifts to get and I honestly don’t even know when or how that’s gonna happen. But it WILL happen! Or it won’t. And everything will still be fine.

If you’re beating yourself up for procrastinating or being too busy to get it all done, I’m here to tell you to stop right now. First of all, it’s not productive at this point, so try to use the limited time you have left to do things that will make you feel better instead of worse! Second, I think those of us who are in this position are probably just born this way. I’m thinking back to when one of my sons was in preschool and I asked him a million times if I could take him to the store to pick out gifts for his brother, father and grandparents. He said no every time. Then, just before bedtime on Christmas eve, suddenly seized by guilt, he begged me to take him somewhere to get some gifts for everyone. So I took him to the only place that was still open, CVS, and let him select some things from the barren aisles. I tried to steer him toward candy, but he plucked a colorful bottle off the shelf and shoved it toward me saying he definitely wanted to get it for his Grammy. Guys, it was lube. Drugstore lube. For his Grammy. My point is, this kid didn’t yet have any of the baggage or damage we blame for not being organized and hyped for the hols, and yet, there we already were. Clearly, he was born like that.

Anyhoozle, here are some VERY, EXTREMELY last minute gifts I think you could get your hands on in time without having to have a bunch of spirits visit you in the night to tell you what a jerk everyone thinks you are. And while all of these ideas may not be exactly the right thing you’re looking for, maybe they will spark a late breaking idea.

KIDS:

If you have some money to spend, you can’t go wrong with a boxed set of books appropriate for their age. One of my all-time favorite and most used gifts was a box of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Little House on the Prairie books. You can go right to your local book seller or chain book store and they will still have plenty of gift sets, sometimes with accompanying plush toys or other bonus items, in stock. Keep in mind, books are often a slow burn with kids. They might open them, shrug and move on to whatever lights up and squawks. But later, when it’s time for bed, that’s when your gift will shine. And no parent has ever said, “Ugh, just look at all the books this kid has everywhere! SO SPOILED!” In fact, if I were to receive this “Frog and Toad” set under my tree this year, I would be delighted, even though my sons are adults and so am I. They’re that good!

If you don’t have any extra money to spend, but you still want to do something for the kid in your life, here are a couple of other suggestions.

If you live close by or will be visiting and can spare the time, maybe you can coordinate with their parents, and if you get the green light, give them the gift of spending a day with them, doing things they love! Within reason, of course. Pancakes for breakfast, cartoons, video games, dolls, playing hair salon, pillow forts, crafts, swings at the park, dropping pebbles down a storm drain (my kids’ personal favorite) and more! Have them make a list of their perfect day. That’s also a gift for the parent, if we’re being honest, and maybe for you too? Or, if you’re on the lazier side, make it a slumber party so you only have to be fun for a couple of hours before they pass out. Believe me when I tell you they’ll remember a special day with a beloved aunt or cousin long after whatever cheap plastic thing you would have bought them was broken and in the garbage.

If you don’t live close by, maybe talk to their parents about getting in on the bedtime story tradition. You could do it once with one epic book, or perhaps offer to do it weekly. You could do it over Facetime or Zoom or speakerphone. You could even just record a voice memo of yourself reading a favorite story and send it off. One of my younger son’s most treasured and most used gifts was a CD with a recording of his brother reading “The Twits” by Roald Dahl. It was played and replayed so much that everyone in the family knew it’s every intonation and inflection and the imperfections just made it more personal and dear. And, as parents, we really appreciated our older kid doing us a solid with it, because we were able to read a couple short stories, then put on that CD and slip out of the room, literally every night for, like, six years.

TEENS:

Teens are terrifying and tough to buy for. Maybe because they are still figuring out who they are, so how the hell should we know? My feeling on shopping for teens is to always err on the side of more grownup versus babyish. I’m not saying to buy them liquor! I’m just saying sometimes it’s easy for us to get all sentimental about how much they loved Scooby Doo jammies just a few years ago, even though they can drive now. Teens, with the exception of Benjamin Button, only grow in one direction, and that is in the opposite direction from babyish. Even the teeniest tween fancies themselves a future sophisticate, even if it pains us personally to think of them that way.

My other advice is don’t go TOO specific. If they’re an avid gamer, don’t take a random stab at a pricey controller hoping it’s the right one. If they’re an aspiring fashion influencer, don’t take a chance on a final sale but possibly wrong sized sweater! But that doesn’t mean you can’t use that knowledge of them to get something adjacent to their interest that they will really like!

If you have some money to spend, I really love, love, love the mini refrigerator. They come in all designs, sizes and price points now. This retro Frigidaire is in stock at my local Target for 39 bucks. Here’s why I love it. If you’re a typical anti-social teen, you can put six beverage cans in it, therefore avoiding six trips to the family kitchen where everyone will try to make you talk to them. If you’re a makeup tutorial loving teen, you can use it to stash your more precious skin care items in it. It makes your bedroom feel like a mini apartment minus having to pay rent or even for the small amount of electricity this gift will use! Finally, when you give this gift to a teen, what you’re saying is, “I see the future you. You’re independent. You’re cool. You own your own appliances.”

If you feel like the fridge is too much, then head straight to a TJ Maxx or Marshall’s, thee very best place on earth to get actually fun and useful teen gifts without blowing YOUR rent. The self-care section is a veritable wonderland of beauty implements, accessories and accoutrements. Set a budget and pick a theme. Does your teen have long hair? Get a microfiber twist up hair towel, wet brush and heatless rollers. Does your teen have pierced ears? Pick up a few pairs of discount designer earrings and a pair of shades. Does your teen get dressed? Cashmere socks are so fancy, yet so inexpensive at those places and will make their feet feel so grown up! (Just make sure you tell them those socks have to be air dried after gentle washing. With very grownup socks comes very grownup responsibilities.)

Another category of things you can find at those kind of stores are very nice but inexpensive sets of sheets, plus throw blankets and pillows. Ok, this is a little subversive, perhaps, but remember when you were that age and you were longing to add an air of elegance or worldliness to your childhood bedroom, but your parents were like, “Sorry, but you ASKED for a race car bed ten years ago and that’s what we got for you!” Sheets, throws and pillows are small ways to help a young adult update their space a bit. Even a parent who is trying to keep their baby from growing up too fast is not gonna object to them having an extra set of sheets so they can wash their sheets more, because teenager sheets always smell like meat for some reason. Just make sure you know their mattress size, and have an idea on what their style/color scheme is. (FYI, Target also has really nice sheets/blankets/pillows at reasonable prices. Actually ditto for stacks of wash cloths and a couple coordinating bath towels. Check out the Opalhouse brand. I think a teen would dig having their own private stock of linens.)

If a bed or beauty gift suite from TJ Maxx is pushing it budget-wise, Daiso Japan features prices similar to a Dollar Store, with all kinds of nifty gifty health and beauty, decor, electronic and other doodads that might be a little more unexpected, and therefore cooler, than stuff you could find at your usual retail haunts. If they have a location near you, I highly recommend.

Finally, if you have zero cash, but you still want to do something, I’m gonna recommend a similar thing I did for younger kids. If you’re nearby, and it’s cool with their parents, and you have the right kind of relationship, offer to spend a day with them doing what they like to do. Maybe take them to the mall to spend their money and gift cards. If you live within traveling distance of a big city, pick a free museum or other cultural event and build a visit around it.

If you have very little cash and you also don’t have a very close relationship with the kid, BUT you still want to do something, don’t stress about it too much. They’re probably not gonna get you anything amazing either, LOL! A small gift card for a free pizza, frozen yogurt or Starbucks was ALWAYS a huge hit with both of my kids. I remember a couple of years where they were gifted so many small Starbucks cards by various people they walked dogs for and babysat for, that they then added to their accounts on their apps. They were psyched, because when it was all added up they felt like ballers. I actually thought it was an interesting exercise in budgeting and finance. Plus, they left the house all the time so they could walk downtown to “go get coffee” which was like, win, win, win all around!

ADULTS:

Adults is a pretty broad category, I KNOW! But, even if I tried to break it down into moms/dads/sisters/uncles/teachers/besties/mail carriers, etc. those categories would still be too broad, probably. Because everyone is sooooo different! But it really *IS* the thought that counts, and here is where it will pay off to spend a moment truly giving thought to who each person is, what they love and, like sands through the hourglass, what they do with the days of their lives.

If you’re thinking about an adult you’re planning on giving a gift to and you absolutely know that they could really and truly use something that will make their life better, that they would never buy for themselves or that they don’t have the money for, but you do have the money and it would be no issue for you, and you could give it to them with zero strings attached and no judgment on how they used it after you’ve given it to them, I say go for it. With a gift receipt, of course, in case it isn’t the exact thing they actually need. BUT I REALLY MEAN IT ABOUT THE NO STRINGS AND NO JUDGMENTS! If you buy an aspiring novelist a laptop because you just know it will change their life, you are not then allowed to ask how the novel is coming every week. You’re just not. If someone you love said they were thinking of starting a side hustle decorating cakes and you give them a KitchenAid mixer, once the mixer is out of your hands, it is no longer any of your business to get mixed up in the business of what the mixer is doing with respect to your loved one’s cake business.

Here’s another note on the grand gesture go-for-it gifts above. Very often, they will evoke an unexpected reaction from the recipient. Maybe they will feel guilty because they couldn’t get you anything nearly equal. Maybe they will feel awkward to be receiving a “bigger” gift than other people present. Maybe they will feel emotional. There’s no real way to tell before you do it. When I’m in that situation, I like to play it very low key and discreet. Rather than making a big presentation in front of everyone, I would be much more likely to ask the person if we could talk in private. That way, any reaction they have to the gift is okay. And, when, as is often the case, a person says, “This is too much. I really can’t accept this” or something to that effect, I usually just say, “I knew you were going to say that, but I really wanted to do this. I thought a lot about it. It would make me so happy if you would accept it and do whatever you want or need to with it. That would be a gift for me.” BUT THIS IS JUST ME! You may have a different way of doing things, and I’ll be honest, I do love viral videos where someone surprises their dad with tickets to Bruce Springsteen and he cries his friggin’ eyes out in front of the whole family, so I guess just listen to your gut on that!

For everyone else, a lot of the same ideas I gave you for kids and teens sort of apply nicely. Target a budget and a theme and you’re off to the races.

Does someone you love spend time in the kitchen? A new cookbook featuring their favorite cuisine, an appropriate utensil or tool and a bottle of spice used in some of the recipes is a fantastic gift that can come in at well under fifty dollars, while making the recipient feel like a million bucks!

Is someone on your list a snazzy dresser? You don’t have to buy them something at Burberry or Batsheva to honor that part of them. Maybe consider gathering a few items to help them *care* for their carefully curated clothing. Any combo of a handheld steamer, Fashion Tape, a bottle of “Crease Release”, a deodorant remover sponge, a lingerie bag, some satin hangers, leather wipes, a sewing kit, scent sachets or a jug of scented luxury laundry detergent would delight anyone who puts a lot of effort into their lewks! These inexpensive items, and comparable counterparts, are all avails at places like Target, JCPenney and Wal-Mart, plus a bunch of other places, right now!

You get the idea. If someone you need a gift for likes sports or snacks or movies or booze or cars, I am a big fan of getting them gifts that will help them *enjoy* what they already like even more. (But let’s keep booze and cars separate, mmmkay?) Picking a theme, then grabbing a few things that fit that theme, is a nice way to show someone you’ve paid attention to who they are and what really gets them going. And that’s all anyone really wants, right? To feel seen and understood. Plus, this method of gifting a few different “enthusiasm aids” increases the likelihood that there will be at least something from the gift that your recipient either truly needs or truly loves.

But let me back up and express one caveat. If you, like me, have been looking at a million gift guides trying to help you find something for that impossible to shop for fella on your list, I’m gonna say, even if they like whiskey, do not buy whiskey stones. I do not know who invented whiskey stones and I don’t know how they have been on every gift guide for men for what seems like the last decade, minimum. And I get the concept of stones you chill that then cool off your warm whiskey without watering it down for folks who like it neat. But, lemme ask you something? Will it be neat when someone tosses back their drink and gets hit in the teeth with a bunch of literal rocks? I don’t think so. I feel like every gift guide for men since 2010 has just been a retread of the same five items, but at least a Leatherman tool is useful. And, if you ever bought whiskey stones for someone in your life, it is not your fault. You were suckered into it by Big Gift Guide and it is not your fault.

If you live far away and still need to send something to someone, it’s not too late. Goldbelly has an entire “Last Chance for Christmas” tab from which you can order something delicious and decadent if you MOVE YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW! In fact, I’m gonna link to it here so you can just stop reading and click over now. Goldbelly doesn’t sponsor the podcast or me personally, I’m just a fan of shippable food!

Finally, if you have only a little money to spare, a few small gifts I have absolutely adored over the years have been things like a gift certificate for a basic manicure at my favorite local place. (Maybe you could make a plan to go and get a mani with the person to whom you’re gifting one?) I LOVE a gift card to get my car washed. Last year my son got me a 6 pack of a particular root beer I like and it honestly meant the world to me that he knew I loved it and didn’t buy it for myself very often. Salt! You guys know how much I love salt. One year, a friend made some smoked salt for me. Pretty sure the cost of the gift came in at under one dollar. But, that they’d made the effort to do something I would never in one million years make the effort to do myself was very much appreciated. And, the salt was damn delicious and I used every last grain!

If you have absolutely no money to spend, I hear you and I have been there. And I know it probably feels like a lot of pressure and frankly not great. But also, the real ones in your life? I don’t think they’ll care. There have been years where my husband and I played this game where we told each other what we would have gotten each other if we had had the money, and honestly, if you play it right, it’s kind of more fun than if you actually did have any money. You can also just write a card. But don’t put it in the mail, slowpoke, it’s too late! Only hand delivery at this point!!! But you can also compose an email or make a call. Because during a time where we have all been told it is the thought that counts, telling someone you love that you are thinking of them definitely counts.

Oh, jeez. If you made it this far, you now only have about 40 hours left to get your gifts squared away! Maybe some of you have some great ideas too, and if you do, share them in the comments, please! And if you’re still stuck, give us some details and maybe somebody will have a genius brainstorm for you at the last second, like a true Chrismukkah miracle, as Seth Cohen would say. Let’s do this!