Did you guys have rules / understandings about gf’s being allowed to hang out in your rooms? Any sleepovers etc? My partner is all chill about our 16 yr old daughter having her bf in her room but damn dose it make me uncomfortable. Any thoughts / opinions = appropriated!
I haven’t read through every comment so apologies if this is repetitive. In dealing with bullies or general social problems at school, what made you feel most helped and supported at home?
I don’t have children, nor do I plan to. But I do have a question: HOOOOWWWW did you raise white cis sons and them not turn into patriarchal asshats? When you talk about your children, they both seem very kind and progressive, perhaps even feminist (though I don’t know what that term may mean to them). And I’m just 🤯 about it.
I think it was just baked into everything we ever have been as a family. Both of our mothers are feminists and I have always worked, mostly out of the house, while my husband was the custodial parent who also worked from home right since the jump. I think our kids saw us both doing things some might consider outside of our designated gender roles and they just always accepted that as normal. We believe in playing to our strengths, so, if you enjoy cooking and cleaning and you're good at it, fantastic. If you enjoy writing raunchy jokes and you're good at it, go do that, even if you have to fight the patriarchy to be allowed to do it professionally! If you can't change a tire, maybe you can learn, but if you're really not the best at it, use your cleverness to find some solution that will work to somehow get the job done as best you can. I think always being treated as a whole person by my partner in front of the kids was a huge deal. I think both of us acknowledging that many, even most tasks in our family are real work and that all work should be shared/balanced and equalized was not lost on them. From that, I think they developed a keen sense of justice and fairness, early on. If you're used to seeing your mom be treated completely equally and respected within your own family, it's easier to see in the rest of the world when other women are not. From there, it's easier to see when any person is being marginalized and recognize that for what it is, rather than not seeing it or trying to find justifications for it like people often do. That being said, there have been times when even our internal biases, which can be so pernicious as much as you think you've smothered them, had us going through a rough patch or two, and the interesting thing is, when that happened, it was the kids who were like, "Yeah, there's something going on between the two of you that you need to figure out because something is off." And what they were picking up on was us kind of having internal conflict, because even though we thought we'd jettisoned traditional gender roles in our partnership, sometimes you still feel like you're not doing what you're naturally supposed to do as a father or a mother or a partner or whatever, or you get stressed because your family isn't what you pictured when you were seven watching The Brady Bunch and it messes with your head. Then you do silly shit like pick a fight every time your partner suggests getting pizza for dinner, but then swear that you weren't trying to start anything and blame the other person for being too tired and tense and imagining things. Like...clearly that's about something else. When we did that, we never pegged it. BUT THE KIDS DID! Because they'd learned better than us, which was the goal, I guess! And I feel pretty confident that whoever they wind up with, they won't have pizza fights or whatever the heck else we were going on about.
I have three kids 19-24. I want them to go where their desires take them as I always approached raising them from the perspective that they are global citizens. If Eli and Lincoln have considered/were to consider an opportunity (other than moving for college/university) that meant relocating, how much does their wanting to be reasonably nearby factor into the decision? I have the assumption you are a close family and I wonder if that would be a hindrance to exploration or if it encourages it because you know you have the support of family? The pandemic showed us that we might not always be able to travel as freely as we've done before, so would the concern of knowing you can't get back in an emergency have a bearing? I'm going to have a weekend road trip with my 24 year old this weekend and hope to ask these questions of him, but just curious to get the opinion of another gen z member.
I have loved reading all of these responses! Our big challenge lately is getting step-kids off devices (14 year and almost 17 year old specifically). They don’t seem to have much of an interest in anything other than TikTok. Every suggestion I have is met with meh. They’re great kids, and we have a really good relationship. We have the kids keep their phones in our room to ensure they’re at least getting the chance to get good sleep esp for our kids with anxiety, always a struggle.) I’d love to hear from Eli and Lincoln their thoughts on teens and social media, and how parents might best handle this stuff without it being all about taking away the phone. We’ve had many talks on the effects on mental health, importance for getting physical activity. Doctors say this stuff during check-ups, but it really doesn’t make a difference.
It's really hard! Social media is designed to get you hooked on it & I would say that out of my family, I am, by far, the most social media addicted, though everyone in our house does use it & does have moments where we're transformed into a zombie by it. But, that being said, I believe I do get some positive benefits from social media, as well. Namely, social interaction, entertainment & staying informed. But I'd be a hypocrite if I told everyone they needed to get off their phones while I scrolled away on mine. I usually reach a point where I realize what I'm consuming is empty & worthless, kind of like the feeling you get when you've eaten too much candy. But there are days when I struggle to reach that point. I think what is helpful to all of us is to-do lists. If I have a list of things I want or need to accomplish or enjoy in a day, I am less likely to fritter away hours on my phone. Not until I've zeroed out my list, anyway? And we tend to share things we want & need to do with each other, so we're more accountable for actually doing them. I willlllllllll say...if a parent is wishing their kid would spend less time on their phone, but there isn't really an appealing alternative either, like an offer to go to the movies or shopping or to get an ice cream or go swimming or anything the kid likes...I wouldn't expect much? Like, if I nag my kid to put down their phone & they comply, but then nothing happens & they're just sitting there, they're probably gonna pick the phone back up pretty quickly. I would. I do think you can, however, set up some pretty simple rules that might make you feel better, like, we don't use our phones at dinner and when someone is talking to you, you put your phone face down and have a conversation and don't pick it back up until you're done talking. But if you do that, everyone has to abide by the rules, not just the kids. It's tough, because think of when you were that age & how trapped & bored you felt sitting at home watching TV, longing to get out & see the world & be with your friends, trying new things. A phone offers a version of that & the allure is strong, even though we rationally recognize the pitfalls!
Hi guys! My question is, of all the ‘bonding time’ moments as a kid, which ones do you still remember and really enjoyed? Sometimes I wonder if things we force our kids to do with us are for our own benefit, and the kid might not even remember or enjoy it.
I hated hanging out with my family when I was living at home but I always look back at the time I spent with my parents fondly. I think it definitely depends on how your relationship grows with your child but I'm pro-bonding! Pro-tip, try to ask your kids what they'd like to do rather than just doing something you think they'd like, it might surprise you!
I’m an Auntie. I don’t have any of my own kiddos by choice (my body, my CHOICE!!! ok sorry for yelling). My relationship with my nephews is very important. They were actually the first in my family that I felt comfortable enough with to share my unfiltered self. They are both in their 20s now and, although I didn’t think it was possible, I adore my relationship with them more and more as time goes on. Ugh I just love them so much!
So, this is all to say/ask: Do you guys have any other adults in your lives besides you parents that you’ve connected with and have helped you navigate life? And if so, in what ways were they helpful? Thanks!!
i also just want to say to all of us on this thread- look at us- being all thoughtful and desiring to do gentle parenting and all this cool shit. Any kids we are lucky enough to have in our lives will be sure to have at least one adult who is TRYING THEIR BEST.
Hey y’all! My kid is a non binary 19yr old and they have no desire to learn to drive or to really “get out into the world” bc of covid anxiety and their love of being at home with us and the pets.
They love cooking and Trixie and Katya ( drag queens with an amazing YouTube channel) they have had the same bff since 3rd grade and they are seriously the most emotionally mature and empathic person I’ve ever met. They’re so kind and gentle to those they love and respect but they seem to be harsh towards... well, republicans and men...as a generalization. Which, look I’m on board for and am most likely to blame bc of my example of being an abortion activist their whole life but I sometimes wonder if they are closed off to meeting new people, having new experiences and even learning to drive bc of their prejudices towards the POSSIBILITY that they might encounter a shitty person.
They were called “the blue hair girl” in middle school during the trump years and in highschool I watched them just turn away from their peers bc of how mature and engaged they are- it’s like they can’t relate to kids their age, but they get along so well with their best friend and my friends.
I guess I’m just wondering if I should continue to just let them go at their own pace of living at home ( I have NO PROBLEM with that and it’s something that listening to your mom talk about has let me feel less pressure to -“Kick my kid out at 18” that would be so weird when we all love living together ) but I just want them to find some sort of joy and happiness outside of our family unit and their best friend who works full time, lives in another state and has to take care of a sick parent so she’s frequently not available to say the least.
How do I push my kid to start moving towards a goal? Any goal? Or do I need to just chill while their brain continues to “fully cook?”
you're right, your kid does sound a lot like me! I dropped out of college after two years and moved home and my brother went to college for about 8 months before he dropped out. he and I could not be more different, yet the two of us removed ourselves from what we thought was the right path because we didn't know what we wanted to do. I think the best thing my parents did for me as an adult who lived at home was to help support me while I figured out what I wanted to do. I know it can be a bit of a financial burden so if times are tough, there are ways to navigate how you can get them involved in helping around at home, but I think giving them the freedom to get out there can be really beneficial.
some steps I would recommend taking (I don't know much about them and would be more than happy to speak to you or them about this)
- finding a good therapist to help with anxiety—during the pandemic I fell into a spiral of social anxiety and was unemployed for two years, getting some sort of treatment or someone that they can talk to that is a professional is KEY
- some sort of job! whether it's something super basic like babysitting or doing work as a bagger at the grocery store, just something that can get them out of the house and feel like they are an adult.
- if they aren't in school already, community college is a great option and a lot of classes can be taken online. I took online classes at my local community college for 5 years to try and figure out what I wanted to do and just received my first degree
being supportive but not invasive is the most important thing I can recommend, your kid sounds awesome and your support will mean a lot
Thanks so much for this! I feel like there is so much info out there on raising girls in a progressive way but I’ve been really seeking out advice on raising my 8 yr old cis white son to avoid some of the trappings is entitlement and white privilege. It sounds like Caisse unlocked some of those secrets- does anything stand out as guiding you on that path?
I think if there’s anything we did right, it was in not doing “teachable moments” so much as “discussable moments.” We tried to find natural ways to talk about the things we were watching or reading together, versus having an agenda with any of it. We *were* conscious of trying to choose media that had real diversity (of casting, of creative teams, of perspectives), but even if you’re watching something like Back to the Future, there’s plenty to chat about thoughtfully, even if you’re talking about the absence of things. Our main goal was never to make it feel like a classroom discussion, and that they wouldn’t be wrong for expressing anything. The kids can and should correct me if I’m remembering this wrong!
I remember from a very young age my parents making lots of things very clear cut-- especially how to treat women (what not to say, not to do, what to do when other guys to shitty things, etc.). They never shied away from it to “protect us” because there was nothing in that vein to protect us from. Same with a lot of racial things, sexual orientation and trans topics. Do I know everything? No. But I’m more open to learn and adapt because of it.
Wow, so many of the things I have questions and concerns about regarding parenting have already been addressed by the three of you! Just wanted to say thank you for this post, great idea! ❤️
Hello, I constantly feel like I make mistakes and react badly to my 11 and 8 year old daughters - especially when I am feeling stressed out. I always try to apologise and explain why I reacted as I did e.g. sorry for shouting, I was worried we were going to be late. I guess I am looking for reassurance from Eli and Lincoln that my kids will remember I was willing to say sorry when I made a mistake and that I am fallible more than they will remember the mistake itself?
And sort of connected, for you Caissie do your boys ever talk about a day they have really fond memories of that surprises you because your 'parent' memory is of the thing that went wrong, the thing you couldn't afford etc?
I was a massively stressed out parent who absolutely did not keep his shit together like he should have, and in looking back at it, I understand I was placing too much importance on what was happening *that moment* vs taking a beat and asking myself if any of it would matter in a week or a month. 99% of the time the answer would’ve been no. I don’t live with much regret in life, but I have enough regret over being overly anxious or harsh to cover all of it. My kids never needed to experience that, and I hate that for them and for me. Advice? Try to understand when you’re being anxious and then try and have a discussion with *yourself* over what’s making you anxious. This will be much better than having this dialogue all over your kids, who do not live in your head!
I think getting your kids to see you as a human who has worries, fears, triumphs, good days & bad days just like them is pretty critical to the health of your relationship. I think I did this not necessarily intentionally, but just by being honest naturally, but it really paid off. So, for example, my kids learned early on that *I* am a very anxious person who doesn't respond well to surprises or alarm, in many cases. As a result, they pretty much trained themselves to, every time they were calling unexpectedly from a play date or school, say, "Hey mum, everything is ok. I'm fine. But my friend's mother got a flat tire while we were in the car & I was wondering if you could pick us up." I cannot tell you how much I appreciated that they intuited that THAT was the best way to talk to me. And, I mean, it was better for them not to have my heart in my throat, flipping out, asking a million questions that weren't helpful, LOL! As to your other question, they always surprise me with what they remember & it is never the stuff we sweated over or tried to make perfect. I've talked on the podcast about bathtub dinners - because I considered that a low moment in my parenting, but they loved it. We let them watch a lot of cartoons, which I always felt slightly guilty about, but to this day, they will sit down & watch Scooby Doo or an Arthur Christmas special & it just transports them to this calm, content place. Now I'm glad we let them have that because it's a thing that obviously meant a lot!
Thank you for the reply! I always appreciate when you and Busy discuss the ups and downs of parenting - the relief of knowing other parents have the same worries and challenges often makes me cry and gives me hope at the same time so again, thank you both for being so open and honest and wise 🙂
Hi! Such a great idea of you guys to include Eli and Lincoln in this!
I have 3 boys. 14, 7 and 5. Believe it or not, the teenager is the least trouble of all of them. Sensible first child I’d say. The other 2 though ... oofff. Constant really physical action. You see other children be really lovely and polite with their siblings and mine are actively trying to kill each other. Is it just a phase? Why don’t they do that at school (‘Because we’d get told off’ was their answer to that question)? How do I make them love each other more? Or do they love each other and this is their way of showing it? I’m so exhausted, from the second they wake up until they go to sleep I’m on high alert to jump in whenever it gets too physical.
They’re able to behave outside of home but at home it’s literally a constant battle 🥴
Ok, I'm gonna say something that I hope doesn't sound mean, because I don't mean it to be. But you said your boys are able to behave well outside of the home. So, to me, that means that they certainly have mastered self-control & have a good idea when it is appropriate to use that self-control. Which is great news! If they didn't have access to any self-control, you might be looking at a bigger issue overall. That being said, if they have self-control outside of the home, but not AT home...that's a dynamic that must be really frustrating for you. And, without knowing your situation at all, it sounds like you are saying it's a dynamic they feel comfortable existing in, which then makes it your full-time job to stress about it. It sounds to me like you need to try to investigate the reasons why they feel comfortable in this dynamic. And it could be a combination of things & they each could have different motivations! Boredom, anxiety, angling for bad attention not realizing that good attention is just as easy to garner! They could be dealing with hyperactivity tendencies, they could be picking up on the perception that rowdy boy behavior is expected, accepted & even prized by some people in their lives. They could be inexperienced at processing big emotions with words & are trying to deal with them haphazardly via manifestations of physical aggression. Who knows! I spent a lot of time thinking about what motivated my kids to do or not do something - and every kid is different. But, I think you might even be able to sit your kids down and have an honest talk. "What's going on when you fight? Do you think it's fun or does it get you mad? I don't like it. It makes me feel unhappy. Are there things you wish we were doing that I might not know about? Because if we figure out what some of those things are, maybe we can do some of those instead of all the time we spend fighting and trying to break up fights?" In my experience, praising and punishing can sometimes work, to some extent, but I think if the behavior continues unabated, it's safe to say the old P&P have lost their efficacy and are no longer being taken seriously by the kids, especially when we don't enforce consequences that have been put on the table. Or we do so, but halfheartedly. Honestly, it might be that they're just bumping heads because your 7 year-old is getting to the point developmentally where he's getting better at using words to express his emotions rather than acting out, but your 5 year-old isn't there yet & so they're both frustrating the heck out of each other because they're at two different points in their life, but they're kind of lumped together as the "little guys." To us, that's what they are! But to them, there is likely a world of difference between where the 7 year-old is & where the 5 year-old is & some of that is probably frustrating & annoying in a way it's hard for them to articulate. If you can, as much as you can, maybe take turns taking one of them out of the fight & to another place. Outside, a ride in the car, on an errand, just anything to short circuit that instinct to go at it? I know it's easier suggested than done, LOL. But my gut is they might just need a break from each other?
There’s a lot of food for thought in what you said and I fully appreciate it. The last point you made about the 7 yo being able to explain his emotions (“he makes me so mad!”) but my 5 yo not having this option just yet (he’s usually the one who goes fully in on attack) makes so much sense. At school they keep it all in all day and when they get home they let it all out. Which is fine as we’re their safe place but we still have boundaries and rules for living together at home as well.
As parents, we sit and we look at our own behaviour for everything that’s going wrong that we sometimes forget to take their emotions in. Thank you Caissie. I think we’ll be having a family chat and some well put out consequences à la ‘if this makes you mad, then we’ll do that’.
And yes, we do need a break from each other! Covid did a huge number on everyone lol
Hi Lincoln and Eli. Did you feel like your parents favored one or the other of you while growing up and did you feel competitive with each other? I want to make sure I’m raising my two boys as individuals and hope that don’t compare themselves or feel like we’re not ‘fair’ as parents. Your thoughts on this?
Hey Margaret. No, I do not think my parents ever favored one kid over the other really. There may have been times where one kid was feuding with the parents and one was more favored, but being favored wasn’t pleasant either. No consistent game of favorites was ever played. I also think my brother and I are, like my parents, pretty different people and we have different things in common with either parent. We get the same love, just different activities.
And we always said that thing to you guys, which we read somewhere (I can't remember, some parenting book?) that in our house, "We don't all get what we want, we all get what we need." And sometimes that meant that one or the other of you needed more than the other one did at a particular moment and that was okay, and didn't have anything to do with how much we loved the kid who needed less. I think you both really participated in responding to each other's needs along with us, too. You both usually took an interest in helping the other one through a tough time or giving each other the spotlight and support in an exciting time. Wait, maybe it wasn't a parenting book, maybe it was just the Rolling Stones song?
Did you guys have rules / understandings about gf’s being allowed to hang out in your rooms? Any sleepovers etc? My partner is all chill about our 16 yr old daughter having her bf in her room but damn dose it make me uncomfortable. Any thoughts / opinions = appropriated!
I haven’t read through every comment so apologies if this is repetitive. In dealing with bullies or general social problems at school, what made you feel most helped and supported at home?
I don’t have children, nor do I plan to. But I do have a question: HOOOOWWWW did you raise white cis sons and them not turn into patriarchal asshats? When you talk about your children, they both seem very kind and progressive, perhaps even feminist (though I don’t know what that term may mean to them). And I’m just 🤯 about it.
I think it was just baked into everything we ever have been as a family. Both of our mothers are feminists and I have always worked, mostly out of the house, while my husband was the custodial parent who also worked from home right since the jump. I think our kids saw us both doing things some might consider outside of our designated gender roles and they just always accepted that as normal. We believe in playing to our strengths, so, if you enjoy cooking and cleaning and you're good at it, fantastic. If you enjoy writing raunchy jokes and you're good at it, go do that, even if you have to fight the patriarchy to be allowed to do it professionally! If you can't change a tire, maybe you can learn, but if you're really not the best at it, use your cleverness to find some solution that will work to somehow get the job done as best you can. I think always being treated as a whole person by my partner in front of the kids was a huge deal. I think both of us acknowledging that many, even most tasks in our family are real work and that all work should be shared/balanced and equalized was not lost on them. From that, I think they developed a keen sense of justice and fairness, early on. If you're used to seeing your mom be treated completely equally and respected within your own family, it's easier to see in the rest of the world when other women are not. From there, it's easier to see when any person is being marginalized and recognize that for what it is, rather than not seeing it or trying to find justifications for it like people often do. That being said, there have been times when even our internal biases, which can be so pernicious as much as you think you've smothered them, had us going through a rough patch or two, and the interesting thing is, when that happened, it was the kids who were like, "Yeah, there's something going on between the two of you that you need to figure out because something is off." And what they were picking up on was us kind of having internal conflict, because even though we thought we'd jettisoned traditional gender roles in our partnership, sometimes you still feel like you're not doing what you're naturally supposed to do as a father or a mother or a partner or whatever, or you get stressed because your family isn't what you pictured when you were seven watching The Brady Bunch and it messes with your head. Then you do silly shit like pick a fight every time your partner suggests getting pizza for dinner, but then swear that you weren't trying to start anything and blame the other person for being too tired and tense and imagining things. Like...clearly that's about something else. When we did that, we never pegged it. BUT THE KIDS DID! Because they'd learned better than us, which was the goal, I guess! And I feel pretty confident that whoever they wind up with, they won't have pizza fights or whatever the heck else we were going on about.
This is amazing. I wish every parenting philosophy was “play to our strengths” over traditional gender roles. 💕
I have three kids 19-24. I want them to go where their desires take them as I always approached raising them from the perspective that they are global citizens. If Eli and Lincoln have considered/were to consider an opportunity (other than moving for college/university) that meant relocating, how much does their wanting to be reasonably nearby factor into the decision? I have the assumption you are a close family and I wonder if that would be a hindrance to exploration or if it encourages it because you know you have the support of family? The pandemic showed us that we might not always be able to travel as freely as we've done before, so would the concern of knowing you can't get back in an emergency have a bearing? I'm going to have a weekend road trip with my 24 year old this weekend and hope to ask these questions of him, but just curious to get the opinion of another gen z member.
I have loved reading all of these responses! Our big challenge lately is getting step-kids off devices (14 year and almost 17 year old specifically). They don’t seem to have much of an interest in anything other than TikTok. Every suggestion I have is met with meh. They’re great kids, and we have a really good relationship. We have the kids keep their phones in our room to ensure they’re at least getting the chance to get good sleep esp for our kids with anxiety, always a struggle.) I’d love to hear from Eli and Lincoln their thoughts on teens and social media, and how parents might best handle this stuff without it being all about taking away the phone. We’ve had many talks on the effects on mental health, importance for getting physical activity. Doctors say this stuff during check-ups, but it really doesn’t make a difference.
It's really hard! Social media is designed to get you hooked on it & I would say that out of my family, I am, by far, the most social media addicted, though everyone in our house does use it & does have moments where we're transformed into a zombie by it. But, that being said, I believe I do get some positive benefits from social media, as well. Namely, social interaction, entertainment & staying informed. But I'd be a hypocrite if I told everyone they needed to get off their phones while I scrolled away on mine. I usually reach a point where I realize what I'm consuming is empty & worthless, kind of like the feeling you get when you've eaten too much candy. But there are days when I struggle to reach that point. I think what is helpful to all of us is to-do lists. If I have a list of things I want or need to accomplish or enjoy in a day, I am less likely to fritter away hours on my phone. Not until I've zeroed out my list, anyway? And we tend to share things we want & need to do with each other, so we're more accountable for actually doing them. I willlllllllll say...if a parent is wishing their kid would spend less time on their phone, but there isn't really an appealing alternative either, like an offer to go to the movies or shopping or to get an ice cream or go swimming or anything the kid likes...I wouldn't expect much? Like, if I nag my kid to put down their phone & they comply, but then nothing happens & they're just sitting there, they're probably gonna pick the phone back up pretty quickly. I would. I do think you can, however, set up some pretty simple rules that might make you feel better, like, we don't use our phones at dinner and when someone is talking to you, you put your phone face down and have a conversation and don't pick it back up until you're done talking. But if you do that, everyone has to abide by the rules, not just the kids. It's tough, because think of when you were that age & how trapped & bored you felt sitting at home watching TV, longing to get out & see the world & be with your friends, trying new things. A phone offers a version of that & the allure is strong, even though we rationally recognize the pitfalls!
Hi guys! My question is, of all the ‘bonding time’ moments as a kid, which ones do you still remember and really enjoyed? Sometimes I wonder if things we force our kids to do with us are for our own benefit, and the kid might not even remember or enjoy it.
I hated hanging out with my family when I was living at home but I always look back at the time I spent with my parents fondly. I think it definitely depends on how your relationship grows with your child but I'm pro-bonding! Pro-tip, try to ask your kids what they'd like to do rather than just doing something you think they'd like, it might surprise you!
I’m an Auntie. I don’t have any of my own kiddos by choice (my body, my CHOICE!!! ok sorry for yelling). My relationship with my nephews is very important. They were actually the first in my family that I felt comfortable enough with to share my unfiltered self. They are both in their 20s now and, although I didn’t think it was possible, I adore my relationship with them more and more as time goes on. Ugh I just love them so much!
So, this is all to say/ask: Do you guys have any other adults in your lives besides you parents that you’ve connected with and have helped you navigate life? And if so, in what ways were they helpful? Thanks!!
i also just want to say to all of us on this thread- look at us- being all thoughtful and desiring to do gentle parenting and all this cool shit. Any kids we are lucky enough to have in our lives will be sure to have at least one adult who is TRYING THEIR BEST.
good job yall💕
💗💗💗
Hey y’all! My kid is a non binary 19yr old and they have no desire to learn to drive or to really “get out into the world” bc of covid anxiety and their love of being at home with us and the pets.
They love cooking and Trixie and Katya ( drag queens with an amazing YouTube channel) they have had the same bff since 3rd grade and they are seriously the most emotionally mature and empathic person I’ve ever met. They’re so kind and gentle to those they love and respect but they seem to be harsh towards... well, republicans and men...as a generalization. Which, look I’m on board for and am most likely to blame bc of my example of being an abortion activist their whole life but I sometimes wonder if they are closed off to meeting new people, having new experiences and even learning to drive bc of their prejudices towards the POSSIBILITY that they might encounter a shitty person.
They were called “the blue hair girl” in middle school during the trump years and in highschool I watched them just turn away from their peers bc of how mature and engaged they are- it’s like they can’t relate to kids their age, but they get along so well with their best friend and my friends.
I guess I’m just wondering if I should continue to just let them go at their own pace of living at home ( I have NO PROBLEM with that and it’s something that listening to your mom talk about has let me feel less pressure to -“Kick my kid out at 18” that would be so weird when we all love living together ) but I just want them to find some sort of joy and happiness outside of our family unit and their best friend who works full time, lives in another state and has to take care of a sick parent so she’s frequently not available to say the least.
How do I push my kid to start moving towards a goal? Any goal? Or do I need to just chill while their brain continues to “fully cook?”
💕
you're right, your kid does sound a lot like me! I dropped out of college after two years and moved home and my brother went to college for about 8 months before he dropped out. he and I could not be more different, yet the two of us removed ourselves from what we thought was the right path because we didn't know what we wanted to do. I think the best thing my parents did for me as an adult who lived at home was to help support me while I figured out what I wanted to do. I know it can be a bit of a financial burden so if times are tough, there are ways to navigate how you can get them involved in helping around at home, but I think giving them the freedom to get out there can be really beneficial.
some steps I would recommend taking (I don't know much about them and would be more than happy to speak to you or them about this)
- finding a good therapist to help with anxiety—during the pandemic I fell into a spiral of social anxiety and was unemployed for two years, getting some sort of treatment or someone that they can talk to that is a professional is KEY
- some sort of job! whether it's something super basic like babysitting or doing work as a bagger at the grocery store, just something that can get them out of the house and feel like they are an adult.
- if they aren't in school already, community college is a great option and a lot of classes can be taken online. I took online classes at my local community college for 5 years to try and figure out what I wanted to do and just received my first degree
being supportive but not invasive is the most important thing I can recommend, your kid sounds awesome and your support will mean a lot
You’re so generous and literally my kid whisperer. Thank you babe!
22 here you have more than 3 gen z listeners!!!!
YAY
Thanks so much for this! I feel like there is so much info out there on raising girls in a progressive way but I’ve been really seeking out advice on raising my 8 yr old cis white son to avoid some of the trappings is entitlement and white privilege. It sounds like Caisse unlocked some of those secrets- does anything stand out as guiding you on that path?
I think if there’s anything we did right, it was in not doing “teachable moments” so much as “discussable moments.” We tried to find natural ways to talk about the things we were watching or reading together, versus having an agenda with any of it. We *were* conscious of trying to choose media that had real diversity (of casting, of creative teams, of perspectives), but even if you’re watching something like Back to the Future, there’s plenty to chat about thoughtfully, even if you’re talking about the absence of things. Our main goal was never to make it feel like a classroom discussion, and that they wouldn’t be wrong for expressing anything. The kids can and should correct me if I’m remembering this wrong!
I remember from a very young age my parents making lots of things very clear cut-- especially how to treat women (what not to say, not to do, what to do when other guys to shitty things, etc.). They never shied away from it to “protect us” because there was nothing in that vein to protect us from. Same with a lot of racial things, sexual orientation and trans topics. Do I know everything? No. But I’m more open to learn and adapt because of it.
Wow, so many of the things I have questions and concerns about regarding parenting have already been addressed by the three of you! Just wanted to say thank you for this post, great idea! ❤️
Hi, Lincoln and Eli. Thanks for answering our questions? What do you wish your parents had done more of? Less of?
Hello, I constantly feel like I make mistakes and react badly to my 11 and 8 year old daughters - especially when I am feeling stressed out. I always try to apologise and explain why I reacted as I did e.g. sorry for shouting, I was worried we were going to be late. I guess I am looking for reassurance from Eli and Lincoln that my kids will remember I was willing to say sorry when I made a mistake and that I am fallible more than they will remember the mistake itself?
And sort of connected, for you Caissie do your boys ever talk about a day they have really fond memories of that surprises you because your 'parent' memory is of the thing that went wrong, the thing you couldn't afford etc?
I was a massively stressed out parent who absolutely did not keep his shit together like he should have, and in looking back at it, I understand I was placing too much importance on what was happening *that moment* vs taking a beat and asking myself if any of it would matter in a week or a month. 99% of the time the answer would’ve been no. I don’t live with much regret in life, but I have enough regret over being overly anxious or harsh to cover all of it. My kids never needed to experience that, and I hate that for them and for me. Advice? Try to understand when you’re being anxious and then try and have a discussion with *yourself* over what’s making you anxious. This will be much better than having this dialogue all over your kids, who do not live in your head!
I think getting your kids to see you as a human who has worries, fears, triumphs, good days & bad days just like them is pretty critical to the health of your relationship. I think I did this not necessarily intentionally, but just by being honest naturally, but it really paid off. So, for example, my kids learned early on that *I* am a very anxious person who doesn't respond well to surprises or alarm, in many cases. As a result, they pretty much trained themselves to, every time they were calling unexpectedly from a play date or school, say, "Hey mum, everything is ok. I'm fine. But my friend's mother got a flat tire while we were in the car & I was wondering if you could pick us up." I cannot tell you how much I appreciated that they intuited that THAT was the best way to talk to me. And, I mean, it was better for them not to have my heart in my throat, flipping out, asking a million questions that weren't helpful, LOL! As to your other question, they always surprise me with what they remember & it is never the stuff we sweated over or tried to make perfect. I've talked on the podcast about bathtub dinners - because I considered that a low moment in my parenting, but they loved it. We let them watch a lot of cartoons, which I always felt slightly guilty about, but to this day, they will sit down & watch Scooby Doo or an Arthur Christmas special & it just transports them to this calm, content place. Now I'm glad we let them have that because it's a thing that obviously meant a lot!
Thank you for the reply! I always appreciate when you and Busy discuss the ups and downs of parenting - the relief of knowing other parents have the same worries and challenges often makes me cry and gives me hope at the same time so again, thank you both for being so open and honest and wise 🙂
Hi! Such a great idea of you guys to include Eli and Lincoln in this!
I have 3 boys. 14, 7 and 5. Believe it or not, the teenager is the least trouble of all of them. Sensible first child I’d say. The other 2 though ... oofff. Constant really physical action. You see other children be really lovely and polite with their siblings and mine are actively trying to kill each other. Is it just a phase? Why don’t they do that at school (‘Because we’d get told off’ was their answer to that question)? How do I make them love each other more? Or do they love each other and this is their way of showing it? I’m so exhausted, from the second they wake up until they go to sleep I’m on high alert to jump in whenever it gets too physical.
They’re able to behave outside of home but at home it’s literally a constant battle 🥴
Ok, I'm gonna say something that I hope doesn't sound mean, because I don't mean it to be. But you said your boys are able to behave well outside of the home. So, to me, that means that they certainly have mastered self-control & have a good idea when it is appropriate to use that self-control. Which is great news! If they didn't have access to any self-control, you might be looking at a bigger issue overall. That being said, if they have self-control outside of the home, but not AT home...that's a dynamic that must be really frustrating for you. And, without knowing your situation at all, it sounds like you are saying it's a dynamic they feel comfortable existing in, which then makes it your full-time job to stress about it. It sounds to me like you need to try to investigate the reasons why they feel comfortable in this dynamic. And it could be a combination of things & they each could have different motivations! Boredom, anxiety, angling for bad attention not realizing that good attention is just as easy to garner! They could be dealing with hyperactivity tendencies, they could be picking up on the perception that rowdy boy behavior is expected, accepted & even prized by some people in their lives. They could be inexperienced at processing big emotions with words & are trying to deal with them haphazardly via manifestations of physical aggression. Who knows! I spent a lot of time thinking about what motivated my kids to do or not do something - and every kid is different. But, I think you might even be able to sit your kids down and have an honest talk. "What's going on when you fight? Do you think it's fun or does it get you mad? I don't like it. It makes me feel unhappy. Are there things you wish we were doing that I might not know about? Because if we figure out what some of those things are, maybe we can do some of those instead of all the time we spend fighting and trying to break up fights?" In my experience, praising and punishing can sometimes work, to some extent, but I think if the behavior continues unabated, it's safe to say the old P&P have lost their efficacy and are no longer being taken seriously by the kids, especially when we don't enforce consequences that have been put on the table. Or we do so, but halfheartedly. Honestly, it might be that they're just bumping heads because your 7 year-old is getting to the point developmentally where he's getting better at using words to express his emotions rather than acting out, but your 5 year-old isn't there yet & so they're both frustrating the heck out of each other because they're at two different points in their life, but they're kind of lumped together as the "little guys." To us, that's what they are! But to them, there is likely a world of difference between where the 7 year-old is & where the 5 year-old is & some of that is probably frustrating & annoying in a way it's hard for them to articulate. If you can, as much as you can, maybe take turns taking one of them out of the fight & to another place. Outside, a ride in the car, on an errand, just anything to short circuit that instinct to go at it? I know it's easier suggested than done, LOL. But my gut is they might just need a break from each other?
There’s a lot of food for thought in what you said and I fully appreciate it. The last point you made about the 7 yo being able to explain his emotions (“he makes me so mad!”) but my 5 yo not having this option just yet (he’s usually the one who goes fully in on attack) makes so much sense. At school they keep it all in all day and when they get home they let it all out. Which is fine as we’re their safe place but we still have boundaries and rules for living together at home as well.
As parents, we sit and we look at our own behaviour for everything that’s going wrong that we sometimes forget to take their emotions in. Thank you Caissie. I think we’ll be having a family chat and some well put out consequences à la ‘if this makes you mad, then we’ll do that’.
And yes, we do need a break from each other! Covid did a huge number on everyone lol
Even those of us who are fully grown & can express our emotions well are feeling crowded & frustrated right about now. Give everyone a big hug for me!
I have 3 boys too! 12,19,7! I get it and help!
Hi Lincoln and Eli. Did you feel like your parents favored one or the other of you while growing up and did you feel competitive with each other? I want to make sure I’m raising my two boys as individuals and hope that don’t compare themselves or feel like we’re not ‘fair’ as parents. Your thoughts on this?
Hey Margaret. No, I do not think my parents ever favored one kid over the other really. There may have been times where one kid was feuding with the parents and one was more favored, but being favored wasn’t pleasant either. No consistent game of favorites was ever played. I also think my brother and I are, like my parents, pretty different people and we have different things in common with either parent. We get the same love, just different activities.
And we always said that thing to you guys, which we read somewhere (I can't remember, some parenting book?) that in our house, "We don't all get what we want, we all get what we need." And sometimes that meant that one or the other of you needed more than the other one did at a particular moment and that was okay, and didn't have anything to do with how much we loved the kid who needed less. I think you both really participated in responding to each other's needs along with us, too. You both usually took an interest in helping the other one through a tough time or giving each other the spotlight and support in an exciting time. Wait, maybe it wasn't a parenting book, maybe it was just the Rolling Stones song?