This week, Busy and Caissie are telling anyone who will listen that they need to get out there and vote! Oh, please, please make sure you are registered and ready to go, please? Plus, they share their takes on the Adam Levine baby name/alleged affair controversy, as well as their thoughts on sliding into someone’s DMs when you’re in a relationship, no matter who you are. Then, actor, director, dancer and singer (and friend of Taylor Swift’s), Hayley Kiyoko logs on to share the many pivots she navigated on her journey to finding success as a pop star who isn’t afraid to say she is gay. Hayley’s album, Panorama, is out now, and it’s a banger. Here’s your weekly episode discussion thread!
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Honestly, I feel like I need to live tweet my responses here as I listen to the pod lol. There’s so much there, that I can’t remember it all by the end.
But I just watched the new ep of abbott elementary and it made me cry and think of y’all talking about how we can’t fix all the things, but we’ll do what we can. I think it’s so important to keep reminding each other and ourselves that the world is always on fire. We fight/mourn/rage and we revel and find joy/gratitude. Both things can, and do, exist at the same time. Love all y’all
Busy, you are so right about all the gender norms impacting men and just how we see relationships in general. I’m in a long term relationship and we are not married, but that’s what people always want to know- when are you getting married??? I don’t know!!! But I do know that not being married and maintaining separate households forces us to actually communicate and share our needs. If not, the whole exercise would be pointless. My mom wants me to feel secure and not go to hell( religion am I right!) and other people just seem to feel like I’m delusional for not marrying a person I’ve been with for so long, but it’s literally fine. We both have already been married and divorced and have kids and don’t want more and we still choose to be together. We have to work on ourselves and our relationship so the only difference is the label of marriage I suppose and how society sees us.
A lot of things hit home in this episode. The D&C clarification is important. As someone who had an abortion (back in the old days with a couple ibuprofen and the vacuum) and a D&C after a miscarriage it was lost on me a bit that people who haven’t experienced either of those things wouldn’t be aware that it’s the same thing. Especially because many abortions are performed with pills now.
The stories about the women being forced to carry to term were so incredibly sad and infuriating at the same time. Ugh.
Flirting. I haven’t really had a serious flirtation since I married my husband (10 years) but I did have sex dreams about a guy I worked with who I was not attracted to in our work environment. He is an opposite personality than my husband and much younger, and I knew he was attracted to me. Anyway, I think I had too much harassment and issues with dudes behaving inappropriately in my past to indulge in flirting with anyone. Or if I have, I’m not aware.
Yes, tell Busy to pop on here!! It would be fun read comments from her.
Agree about the Wire. The Sopranos was the first show I really binged and still love. The Crown is excellent but it was a little rocky for me transitioning to a whole new cast, also because of the obvious crush on Claire Foy.
I haven’t finished listening to the pod yet-I’m in the middle of it right now. But I had to come on to say how much the talk about people not understanding how abortions and miscarriages work resonated with me. When Roe was overturned, I made a post on Facebook about a very early miscarriage that I had and how I needed the abortion pill to be able to control when it would pass. I did this because we have a lot of family members (mostly my husband’s) who are very “pro-life.” I wanted them to see the face of someone in their family who was affected by it. Anyway, I had an adult male friend who called me to express sympathy/caring and asked me what would have happened without the medication. “What, do you just poop it out?” 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ We really need to do better with educating people (men). I mean I know some people are gonna say #notallmen, but for crying out loud I don’t know a lot of women who would ask that.
If anyone wants to help get the word out about voting but doesn't like cold calling and texting, there's a great organization called Vote Forward ( https://votefwd.org ) With Vote Forward you write people letters encouraging them to vote. You can sign up for writing 5 letters, 20, 100, however how many you can commit to. They give you the addresses and you can print out pre written letter or write your own. You can make the letters as political as much or just to say "hey please vote." I've done it a few times and find it easy and hope someone appreciates a hand written letter over a call or text.
I’m glad that you discussed abortion care as D and C care. In early 2018, I had a baby that we hoped and prayed for and we’re fortunate enough to have through ART. In late 2018, I became pregnant on my own (a true surprise) that unfortunately ended as an ectopic pregnancy requiring immediate surgery upon discovery. That was the worst day of my life to have to stay in the hospital and go home without a baby. I don’t and didn’t want to consider that I had an abortion, but I also believe that this was abortion care. Plain and simple. It sickens me to hear about the stories where just because of the state a person lives they were forced to carry children that could not live outside of their wombs. VOTE for these people even if it doesn’t affect you personally.
Caissie! I say that exact thing about The Wire! It all kicks in about the last ten minutes of S1E3. And then it’s just grand! Also as a Marylander, cheers to shooting on location!
Caissie, I understand your frustration and feelings of preaching to the choir about abortion issues but we have to keep talking about it. So many things have converged this week to show me that my voice matters and that we as individuals have to care about what happens to each other. One thing was the kidnapping and murder of a woman in Memphis. I was actually there visiting when she went missing and the search was impressive. So many police, road blocks, all terrain vehicles, helicopters, dogs they had it all. I wish every family got that when a family member goes missing. This week however, we found out that a black woman was abducted and raped my the same man and yet nothing besides a rape kit was done. If only people cared about the rape of this black woman someone else might be alive. The second thing was me talking to yet another family member, this time my mom about how republicans have successfully branded womens healthcare as killing babies and we have just become complacent. She still has cable and watches a lot of news. She saw something where a clinic was doing thousands of procedures per day and she was outraged that all these babies we’re dying. I couldn’t even tackle that part, but I did tell her that women who have miscarriages need the same care and what if I was that woman or my daughter was that person? You want to the state of fucking backwards Alabama to tell us what we can do? To determine if we live or die? People are able to have these abstract ideas about what this complex issue when it’s not them or their families who are impacted by it. It’s very frustrating to be around so many people who call themselves religious, but who don’t seem to care about actual people. Anyways, this message seems dark but I have all the hope in the world that we can turn things around for ourselves and our children.
I'm so glad you & your mom were able to have that important talk. Meanwhile, I'm heartbroken to hear about the Black woman whose case did not garner the attention it warranted. When the media fails to highlight crimes where people of color, particularly Black women, are the victims, it feels like they are actually aiding & abetting the monster who have committed these crimes.
Caissie! I paused the pod to let you know that I want to hear what you have to say but I refuse to get on twitter, so thank you for telling us what you tweeted 👊🤣
Sep 21, 2022·edited Sep 21, 2022Liked by Caissie St.Onge
Busy and Caissie, you don't know how much I needed to hear the conversation about flirting while in a relationship (around 1:26:00-1:32:00). I've been with my wife for 9 years and married for 5, and haven't had feelings for anyone else until recently. I am now dealing with a work crush that spiraled out of control, on my end. My feelings became overwhelming, while my co-worker thought it was harmless flirting. I talked to my wife about it, who has been very supportive and generous in giving me space to figure it out. And my co-worker and I just defined our boundaries THIS MORNING! I hope we can maintain a friendship, but I'm not sure.
The discussion really helped to bring me comfort and peace today as I work on navigating this situation, and I think some clarity around what is ok and not ok for my marriage. Anyone else ever been through something like this?
Abby, I am not married. I am in a long term, long distance relationship and this has come up more than once for us. When we first got together I had a few male friends that I flirted with all the time because it was fun and funny to be, but my partner was confused about why I needed them. I really had to ask myself how it would feel if he were in on the conversation with us and that helped me see that I was being an asshole. While the friendships were platonic I couldn’t say with certainty that nothing would ever happen just because I was really close with them. Now I’m more realistic about my own boundaries and what I know is going to far. The last instance was a male that I was supervising and I knew he liked me and he was very attractive, it takes a lot for me to be attracted to someone so it was kind of scary. In general I would spend a lot of time with the people I supervise and it was not uncommon to go to lunch or events together however I just never did any one on one things with him without others around and I kept it professional without being cold. I personally think the danger for me lies with spending one on one time and sharing things that I normally would with my partner. It is fun to have a crush though! Good luck!❤️
Abby, I'm so glad you & your wife had a real conversation about it. I think many, many people have been through something like this, but not sure many have handled it in such a healthy or honest way as you seemingly have. I hope it makes your relationship even stronger. And I hope, if it's comfortable, you can be friends with your work crush. I hope you'll keep us as posted on how things are going. Only if you want to, though!
It took a messy drunken girl's night out with a group of co-workers (where I confessed my feelings) to get to this point but I'm glad that I'm here now. I felt really safe and trusting of my co-worker to be able to express myself to her that night. But when we met for coffee yesterday morning and talked soberly about boundaries, I think I've become a non-safe person to her because the situation has made her feel like her job and professionalism are threatened.
The more it sits with me, I'm not sure a friendship is possible but maybe the friendship will just look and feel different now. I'm not sure but happy to keep you posted since I don't really plan to dig into this with anyone else beyond my co-worker, wife, and therapist. So I very much value the support I feel here. Thank you Caissie <3
I opened this expecting a recipe for butternut squash soup! Happy to hear Busy speak my thoughts aloud on the pod this week when she said maybe that's something the Substack Friends would be into :)
If anyone needs help registering to vote or determining their voting status, I'm happy to help. I'm an election official in TN but can get you to the right resources for your state. Also happy to answer your burning questions- what the heck is a provisional ballot? why would I want one? what's up with poll watchers? how can I also be a poll worker?
I know there are other poll workers here who can help too.
Here's a great resource to share and to get started from my friends at the Equity Alliance.
This isn’t really related to today’s pod but every time I hear the song Kind & Generous by Natalie Merchant I can only think of Birdie talking about pandas 🐼 only you all could relate
Honestly, I feel like I need to live tweet my responses here as I listen to the pod lol. There’s so much there, that I can’t remember it all by the end.
But I just watched the new ep of abbott elementary and it made me cry and think of y’all talking about how we can’t fix all the things, but we’ll do what we can. I think it’s so important to keep reminding each other and ourselves that the world is always on fire. We fight/mourn/rage and we revel and find joy/gratitude. Both things can, and do, exist at the same time. Love all y’all
Did anyone else get confused about the guest at first? I had the names “Hayley Kiyoko” and “Kaley Cuoco” mixed up.
Call the midwife! One of the best shows out there. I'm always blown away by how badass all the women are both midwives and birthing moms!
I love it so much.
I agree!
Busy, you are so right about all the gender norms impacting men and just how we see relationships in general. I’m in a long term relationship and we are not married, but that’s what people always want to know- when are you getting married??? I don’t know!!! But I do know that not being married and maintaining separate households forces us to actually communicate and share our needs. If not, the whole exercise would be pointless. My mom wants me to feel secure and not go to hell( religion am I right!) and other people just seem to feel like I’m delusional for not marrying a person I’ve been with for so long, but it’s literally fine. We both have already been married and divorced and have kids and don’t want more and we still choose to be together. We have to work on ourselves and our relationship so the only difference is the label of marriage I suppose and how society sees us.
This podcast was just what I needed... I feel sane again. 💖💖💖
A lot of things hit home in this episode. The D&C clarification is important. As someone who had an abortion (back in the old days with a couple ibuprofen and the vacuum) and a D&C after a miscarriage it was lost on me a bit that people who haven’t experienced either of those things wouldn’t be aware that it’s the same thing. Especially because many abortions are performed with pills now.
The stories about the women being forced to carry to term were so incredibly sad and infuriating at the same time. Ugh.
Flirting. I haven’t really had a serious flirtation since I married my husband (10 years) but I did have sex dreams about a guy I worked with who I was not attracted to in our work environment. He is an opposite personality than my husband and much younger, and I knew he was attracted to me. Anyway, I think I had too much harassment and issues with dudes behaving inappropriately in my past to indulge in flirting with anyone. Or if I have, I’m not aware.
Yes, tell Busy to pop on here!! It would be fun read comments from her.
Agree about the Wire. The Sopranos was the first show I really binged and still love. The Crown is excellent but it was a little rocky for me transitioning to a whole new cast, also because of the obvious crush on Claire Foy.
Love you guys, thanks for the pod! ❤️
I haven’t finished listening to the pod yet-I’m in the middle of it right now. But I had to come on to say how much the talk about people not understanding how abortions and miscarriages work resonated with me. When Roe was overturned, I made a post on Facebook about a very early miscarriage that I had and how I needed the abortion pill to be able to control when it would pass. I did this because we have a lot of family members (mostly my husband’s) who are very “pro-life.” I wanted them to see the face of someone in their family who was affected by it. Anyway, I had an adult male friend who called me to express sympathy/caring and asked me what would have happened without the medication. “What, do you just poop it out?” 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ We really need to do better with educating people (men). I mean I know some people are gonna say #notallmen, but for crying out loud I don’t know a lot of women who would ask that.
Most men are clueless about these things. The younger, the more likely to have a clue.
If anyone wants to help get the word out about voting but doesn't like cold calling and texting, there's a great organization called Vote Forward ( https://votefwd.org ) With Vote Forward you write people letters encouraging them to vote. You can sign up for writing 5 letters, 20, 100, however how many you can commit to. They give you the addresses and you can print out pre written letter or write your own. You can make the letters as political as much or just to say "hey please vote." I've done it a few times and find it easy and hope someone appreciates a hand written letter over a call or text.
I’m glad that you discussed abortion care as D and C care. In early 2018, I had a baby that we hoped and prayed for and we’re fortunate enough to have through ART. In late 2018, I became pregnant on my own (a true surprise) that unfortunately ended as an ectopic pregnancy requiring immediate surgery upon discovery. That was the worst day of my life to have to stay in the hospital and go home without a baby. I don’t and didn’t want to consider that I had an abortion, but I also believe that this was abortion care. Plain and simple. It sickens me to hear about the stories where just because of the state a person lives they were forced to carry children that could not live outside of their wombs. VOTE for these people even if it doesn’t affect you personally.
I am so sorry you had to go through that situation, but I'm so glad you had the life-saving care you needed available to you. Sending you much love.
Katie, I’m sorry you had to go through that but glad you can share and help other women.
Caissie! I say that exact thing about The Wire! It all kicks in about the last ten minutes of S1E3. And then it’s just grand! Also as a Marylander, cheers to shooting on location!
Caissie, I understand your frustration and feelings of preaching to the choir about abortion issues but we have to keep talking about it. So many things have converged this week to show me that my voice matters and that we as individuals have to care about what happens to each other. One thing was the kidnapping and murder of a woman in Memphis. I was actually there visiting when she went missing and the search was impressive. So many police, road blocks, all terrain vehicles, helicopters, dogs they had it all. I wish every family got that when a family member goes missing. This week however, we found out that a black woman was abducted and raped my the same man and yet nothing besides a rape kit was done. If only people cared about the rape of this black woman someone else might be alive. The second thing was me talking to yet another family member, this time my mom about how republicans have successfully branded womens healthcare as killing babies and we have just become complacent. She still has cable and watches a lot of news. She saw something where a clinic was doing thousands of procedures per day and she was outraged that all these babies we’re dying. I couldn’t even tackle that part, but I did tell her that women who have miscarriages need the same care and what if I was that woman or my daughter was that person? You want to the state of fucking backwards Alabama to tell us what we can do? To determine if we live or die? People are able to have these abstract ideas about what this complex issue when it’s not them or their families who are impacted by it. It’s very frustrating to be around so many people who call themselves religious, but who don’t seem to care about actual people. Anyways, this message seems dark but I have all the hope in the world that we can turn things around for ourselves and our children.
I'm so glad you & your mom were able to have that important talk. Meanwhile, I'm heartbroken to hear about the Black woman whose case did not garner the attention it warranted. When the media fails to highlight crimes where people of color, particularly Black women, are the victims, it feels like they are actually aiding & abetting the monster who have committed these crimes.
Caissie! I paused the pod to let you know that I want to hear what you have to say but I refuse to get on twitter, so thank you for telling us what you tweeted 👊🤣
I’m not on Twitter either Vanessa so she did us both a solid! 🤣
SAME! Thank you Caissie
You are very wise to refuse!
Busy and Caissie, you don't know how much I needed to hear the conversation about flirting while in a relationship (around 1:26:00-1:32:00). I've been with my wife for 9 years and married for 5, and haven't had feelings for anyone else until recently. I am now dealing with a work crush that spiraled out of control, on my end. My feelings became overwhelming, while my co-worker thought it was harmless flirting. I talked to my wife about it, who has been very supportive and generous in giving me space to figure it out. And my co-worker and I just defined our boundaries THIS MORNING! I hope we can maintain a friendship, but I'm not sure.
The discussion really helped to bring me comfort and peace today as I work on navigating this situation, and I think some clarity around what is ok and not ok for my marriage. Anyone else ever been through something like this?
Abby, I am not married. I am in a long term, long distance relationship and this has come up more than once for us. When we first got together I had a few male friends that I flirted with all the time because it was fun and funny to be, but my partner was confused about why I needed them. I really had to ask myself how it would feel if he were in on the conversation with us and that helped me see that I was being an asshole. While the friendships were platonic I couldn’t say with certainty that nothing would ever happen just because I was really close with them. Now I’m more realistic about my own boundaries and what I know is going to far. The last instance was a male that I was supervising and I knew he liked me and he was very attractive, it takes a lot for me to be attracted to someone so it was kind of scary. In general I would spend a lot of time with the people I supervise and it was not uncommon to go to lunch or events together however I just never did any one on one things with him without others around and I kept it professional without being cold. I personally think the danger for me lies with spending one on one time and sharing things that I normally would with my partner. It is fun to have a crush though! Good luck!❤️
Najeebah, thank you for sharing! It's so helpful for me to learn about what others have been through and what they've learned about themselves.
Abby, I'm so glad you & your wife had a real conversation about it. I think many, many people have been through something like this, but not sure many have handled it in such a healthy or honest way as you seemingly have. I hope it makes your relationship even stronger. And I hope, if it's comfortable, you can be friends with your work crush. I hope you'll keep us as posted on how things are going. Only if you want to, though!
It took a messy drunken girl's night out with a group of co-workers (where I confessed my feelings) to get to this point but I'm glad that I'm here now. I felt really safe and trusting of my co-worker to be able to express myself to her that night. But when we met for coffee yesterday morning and talked soberly about boundaries, I think I've become a non-safe person to her because the situation has made her feel like her job and professionalism are threatened.
The more it sits with me, I'm not sure a friendship is possible but maybe the friendship will just look and feel different now. I'm not sure but happy to keep you posted since I don't really plan to dig into this with anyone else beyond my co-worker, wife, and therapist. So I very much value the support I feel here. Thank you Caissie <3
I opened this expecting a recipe for butternut squash soup! Happy to hear Busy speak my thoughts aloud on the pod this week when she said maybe that's something the Substack Friends would be into :)
If anyone needs help registering to vote or determining their voting status, I'm happy to help. I'm an election official in TN but can get you to the right resources for your state. Also happy to answer your burning questions- what the heck is a provisional ballot? why would I want one? what's up with poll watchers? how can I also be a poll worker?
I know there are other poll workers here who can help too.
Here's a great resource to share and to get started from my friends at the Equity Alliance.
https://turbovote.org/
Thank you, Ami!!! This is so generous. I hope folks avail themselves of your kind offer!
This isn’t really related to today’s pod but every time I hear the song Kind & Generous by Natalie Merchant I can only think of Birdie talking about pandas 🐼 only you all could relate