Thank you for sharing and letting us all honor your mom by hearing these great stories about her, and by crying along with you guys. Sending love and comfort.
Hi-Not going to lie. I had to think long and hard as to whether I'd listen to this episode or not. While it happened 13 years ago now, my mom also passed away just before Christmas and I can still get very emotional about some things. But in the end, I'm glad i listened. Hearing your voices and hearing Caissie's stories was just what I needed to hear today. I know this is a tough time for you and your family, Caissie, and I continue to hold you in my thoughts and in my heart as you go through it.
That said, I'm truly glad that I did listen to it. The support and caring you two show for each other is truly an inspiration to us, and it warms my heart to be able to experience it. Looking forward to what the future holds for us. And always remember, all you can do is all you can do.
Caissie, sending so much love your way. When the pod episode started, I recognized the sound of your voice - more specifically, that I'm-choked-up-but-trying-to-speak-about-this-extremely-difficult-thing, as I sounded the same on a voice msg to a friend an hour before, talking about my dad who died just over a month ago. I hate that we relate on such a sad, sad thing, but I also felt so comforted to hear you speak about your mom, and felt warm hearing Busy support you through the chat, silence and tears. I've been thinking of you everyday and hope you lean on your amazing support system - you are so clearly loved. <3
I’m sorry for your loss. Definitely not as sorry as you! ;) but sorry anyway.
I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you doing the podcast after such a loss, not only “doing” the podcast but pouring so much wisdom & kindness into Busy & all of us despite being in the midst of your own trauma.
I know how hard it is to loose someone & it was no small thing to do what you did. I appreciate you!
Caissie - Thank you so much for sharing more of your mom with us. I was especially touched by the story of how she got to retire in Cape Cod. There were so many parallels to my Dad’s story, and your telling of her story had me re-appreciating the beauty within his maybe traumatic death.
Please forgive my over-indulgence, but I’d like to share it because there’s not a lot a places I can share this.
My Dad was a native New Englander who grew up both outside of Boston and in West Springfield. My siblings and I were partially raised in Southern NH, but we moved to California when I was ten. My Dad had spent a few years in CA before I was born and loved it, but I think returning there to raise a family was stressful because the cost of living was so much more than where we’d come from. I think he spend most of his 26 years of (Northern and Southern) CA living yearning to be back in New England, but obligations, desires of others and a divorce kept him in CA.
His career ended and was forced into early retirement due to the 2008 Credit Crisis. At the same time his second marriage was getting rockier. This from afar (I had been living in NYC for over 10 years at this point) was really hard to witness. My very proud, intellectually curious, kind and hardworking Dad, was becoming a shell of his former self. If there’s one regret I have it’s that I didn’t visit him nearly enough during this time.
But a few years later through a confluence of realizations and events, he made the decision to formally retire to the place from his childhood that brought him the greatest happiness : Midcoast Maine. During his childhood he spent a month every summer with his parents and brothers camping on Hermit Island. It was his paradise.
So, he bought a modest house in the area and sorta/kinda left his wife (she stayed in CA with the understanding that she’d retire early in a few years and come and join him - the whole thing was, frankly, bizarre). Anyway, his move to Maine was the best thing he’d ever done for himself — and now I think about it, one of the very few things he’d ever done for himself because he lived for others; almost to a fault.
He was transformed. For my whole life I never knew him to have friends. His only friends were work colleagues and clients that he mostly knew from afar because he was in sales, worked from home and work-traveled frequently. But put himself out there almost immediately by getting to know his neighbors and joining a UU church. All the sudden he had a full calendar of social activities, volunteer opportunities, and social and environmental justice events. It was beautiful. And god, did I and my husband love to visit him. I fell in love with the place and the people too.
He lived just about 4 full blissful years there. But then on a 20 degree mid November night in 2017 my Dad wandered out of his house leaving the door opened wide only wearing a pair of chinos, shoes, a belt and a white tee-shirt.
He lived in a rural area of dense forest, estuaries and tidal marshes.
I think I was the last one to speak to him on the phone earlier that day. He was very distracted and unusually quiet on the phone but assured me he was ok. But unusual for our relationship, he told me he loved me before he hung up (we shared a WASP-ish unspoken affection). I was a little worried, but not overly so because I had seen this before and I thought I just caught him in the middle of something. But I was worried enough to call to check on him the next day. I called many times throughout the day, but he never answered the house phone or his cell. That had happened before, so I wasn’t panicked. But by the next morning when he still didn’t answer I became incredibly worried and assumed the worse. I called the County Sheriff’s office and requested a wellness check.
My assumption was right. The Sheriff’s office launched a manhunt that quickly escalated to involve all of Maine’s public safety organizations. My husband and I flew up there that day and my siblings joined us from CA the next day. The next two weeks were a nightmare, but I’m thankful that my vast majority of us expressed no false hope as we all quickly realized that he was gone. The search was not a rescue mission but a mission to locate a body.
I’m not a writer, but I do sometimes think i should write an essay about this two week period. It was so incredibly surreal. And while I do call it a nightmare, because how could it not be,it was also a time that I experienced the very best of humanity. There were so many strangers who came to our aid and surrounded us with so much care, strength and love. I will never, ever forget that and I hope to always pull from to help aid me through any dark periods I face in the future.
My Dad’s body was not found during this search and it was closed down after all efforts had been exhausted and winter was settling-in. It wasn’t until six months later after the snow had melted when his body was found near the edge of an estuary. It was found in one of the few dots of white amongst the red of areas searched on the map.
We’ll never know what happened or his exact state of mind when he left his house that night. But we did find through various clues that around that time he wasn’t of sound mind either psychologically or physical brain health-wise. I’m 100% sure it’s linked but we’ll never know the cause or if he had any awareness of what he was doing when he left the house. But that’s ok. My cancer experience taught me the lesson of letting go of needing to know the unknowable.
So, what I’m left with is a deep ache that will be with me for the rest of my life, but I also choose look at the beauty of it all. My Dad once told me that his church - his sacred place - is the forest. I find it beautiful his life ended (or he ended his life - I don’t care which) in the forest near the end of serene body of water he’d spent hours canoeing and fishing. And that those few years preceding his death was full of soul-satisfying work, deep friendships and in place that brought him true happiness.
Caissie, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. And thank you for sharing her stories. I also enjoyed the Cape Cod Condo one.
This episode really made me think about by own life too. I have one son and thought that was it for us. But lately as I get older I think about me and my husband passing and then my son being on his own having to deal with that. I think maybe a sibling to lean on would help with that stuff. Any only childs out there with advice? Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask. I don't know what to do and my body is not getting younger (39 in a month!).
Jan 7, 2023·edited Jan 7, 2023Liked by Caissie St.Onge
I put off listening since I didn't think my orphan heart could take your pain, Caissie. It truly is a hard knock life.
What a beautiful condo story. The magical universe prevailed, but so did you, Caissie. You were the whole of the moon person for your crescent moon Mom. You held open the doors to her dream. You gave her that gift, years of happiness and that last earth class lesson before she left.
I listen to that Waterboys song on repeat. The emotions, message and music of that song stick the landing. Perfection.
It reminds me of me and the hubby. I'm the whole of the moon. I knew it so much that, looking back, my wedding vow contained a plea to him to never try to change me. Over many years I realized it was my responsibility to stay me. I need to protect my hope, my optimism and my big dreams for me. It is who I am. He has also remained him over these decades. But the happy magic of it all is that we both have had the blessing to experience situations in multitudes of ways because of the other.
If we were all whole moons things would be a disaster. We bring the light and enthusiasm to mundane life that those crescent moons have perfected.
It is the patience, grace and appreciation for all moons that makes the universe so magical.
Sometimes you gotta act all full moon on a crescent moon to show her the way to her happiest whole moon.
#1: did anyone else read the podcast title in Hagrid's voice? ("yer a wizard, Harry!")
#2: Caissie, I am sending so much love to you + your family right now. Your mom sounds like an extraordinary woman and I hope we get to hear more stories about her life.
#3: Thank you for sharing the story about her move to Cape Cod. We could all use someone to push us a little the way you pushed your mom to look into the condo/job transfer. Thank you for the reminder to get out of my own way and pursue the life I have dreamed of (and also not sulk when things don't go as I had planned/expected, both tendencies of your mom's I can identify all too well with!).
#4: Regarding the love yourself vs like yourself conversation - just the other day I was talking to my therapist about the importance of radical self-acceptance, which I think is another important distinction. Accepting that your brain just works a certain way, and that's okay even if it's not how you (or others) think it *should* work. For me, I recently had a lightbulb moment in this regard related to my (recently diagnosed as an adult) ADHD that I need some down time between tasks, I can't just go-go-go from one thing to the next. I have beat myself up for too long for not getting through my to-do lists, because I'm certain I *could* achieve everything I set out to do, if only I stuck to it/wasn't so lazy/didn't get so easily distracted/etc etc. I've now accepted that I just need to lower my expectations of how much I can do in one day, allow myself breaks, and that's all okay ❤️
Amazing how the timing worked out that you were able to visit your mom before everything happened, Caissie. I'm glad you had that opportunity and I hope you know we're all thinking of you and your family ❤️
The cape cod story Caissie shared about her mum really spoke to me. I love how she pushed her mum to live in the art of the possible. What an amazing daughter to have. It definitely reminded me that I need to live more in what’s possible rather than what’s not. Thank you Caissie ❤️
In a past post Caissie asked everyone what their new year’s toast would be... I didn’t have anything. After this episode though... I want to put it out there that I hope each one of you has a real life Caissie! That person that will hype you up, cry with you, laugh with you and can present the truth to you in the most loving beautiful way! And if you don’t have your Caissie, I hope you find that person in 2023!!!!
Catching up... aside from crying in the gym (where I was listening)...
Northern lights - Iceland. You can get flights easily from the US now. Stay for a week. The air is lovely, it’s super chilled and the spas a great.
It’s also a pretty reliable spot for seeing the lights.
Thank you for sharing and letting us all honor your mom by hearing these great stories about her, and by crying along with you guys. Sending love and comfort.
Caissie I feel you would love the latest Culture Vulture podcast ep. The kids are so alright. also we need the Prince duet stat!
Hi-Not going to lie. I had to think long and hard as to whether I'd listen to this episode or not. While it happened 13 years ago now, my mom also passed away just before Christmas and I can still get very emotional about some things. But in the end, I'm glad i listened. Hearing your voices and hearing Caissie's stories was just what I needed to hear today. I know this is a tough time for you and your family, Caissie, and I continue to hold you in my thoughts and in my heart as you go through it.
That said, I'm truly glad that I did listen to it. The support and caring you two show for each other is truly an inspiration to us, and it warms my heart to be able to experience it. Looking forward to what the future holds for us. And always remember, all you can do is all you can do.
Caissie, sending so much love your way. When the pod episode started, I recognized the sound of your voice - more specifically, that I'm-choked-up-but-trying-to-speak-about-this-extremely-difficult-thing, as I sounded the same on a voice msg to a friend an hour before, talking about my dad who died just over a month ago. I hate that we relate on such a sad, sad thing, but I also felt so comforted to hear you speak about your mom, and felt warm hearing Busy support you through the chat, silence and tears. I've been thinking of you everyday and hope you lean on your amazing support system - you are so clearly loved. <3
Caissie,
I’m sorry for your loss. Definitely not as sorry as you! ;) but sorry anyway.
I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you doing the podcast after such a loss, not only “doing” the podcast but pouring so much wisdom & kindness into Busy & all of us despite being in the midst of your own trauma.
I know how hard it is to loose someone & it was no small thing to do what you did. I appreciate you!
Caissie - Thank you so much for sharing more of your mom with us. I was especially touched by the story of how she got to retire in Cape Cod. There were so many parallels to my Dad’s story, and your telling of her story had me re-appreciating the beauty within his maybe traumatic death.
Please forgive my over-indulgence, but I’d like to share it because there’s not a lot a places I can share this.
My Dad was a native New Englander who grew up both outside of Boston and in West Springfield. My siblings and I were partially raised in Southern NH, but we moved to California when I was ten. My Dad had spent a few years in CA before I was born and loved it, but I think returning there to raise a family was stressful because the cost of living was so much more than where we’d come from. I think he spend most of his 26 years of (Northern and Southern) CA living yearning to be back in New England, but obligations, desires of others and a divorce kept him in CA.
His career ended and was forced into early retirement due to the 2008 Credit Crisis. At the same time his second marriage was getting rockier. This from afar (I had been living in NYC for over 10 years at this point) was really hard to witness. My very proud, intellectually curious, kind and hardworking Dad, was becoming a shell of his former self. If there’s one regret I have it’s that I didn’t visit him nearly enough during this time.
But a few years later through a confluence of realizations and events, he made the decision to formally retire to the place from his childhood that brought him the greatest happiness : Midcoast Maine. During his childhood he spent a month every summer with his parents and brothers camping on Hermit Island. It was his paradise.
So, he bought a modest house in the area and sorta/kinda left his wife (she stayed in CA with the understanding that she’d retire early in a few years and come and join him - the whole thing was, frankly, bizarre). Anyway, his move to Maine was the best thing he’d ever done for himself — and now I think about it, one of the very few things he’d ever done for himself because he lived for others; almost to a fault.
He was transformed. For my whole life I never knew him to have friends. His only friends were work colleagues and clients that he mostly knew from afar because he was in sales, worked from home and work-traveled frequently. But put himself out there almost immediately by getting to know his neighbors and joining a UU church. All the sudden he had a full calendar of social activities, volunteer opportunities, and social and environmental justice events. It was beautiful. And god, did I and my husband love to visit him. I fell in love with the place and the people too.
He lived just about 4 full blissful years there. But then on a 20 degree mid November night in 2017 my Dad wandered out of his house leaving the door opened wide only wearing a pair of chinos, shoes, a belt and a white tee-shirt.
He lived in a rural area of dense forest, estuaries and tidal marshes.
I think I was the last one to speak to him on the phone earlier that day. He was very distracted and unusually quiet on the phone but assured me he was ok. But unusual for our relationship, he told me he loved me before he hung up (we shared a WASP-ish unspoken affection). I was a little worried, but not overly so because I had seen this before and I thought I just caught him in the middle of something. But I was worried enough to call to check on him the next day. I called many times throughout the day, but he never answered the house phone or his cell. That had happened before, so I wasn’t panicked. But by the next morning when he still didn’t answer I became incredibly worried and assumed the worse. I called the County Sheriff’s office and requested a wellness check.
My assumption was right. The Sheriff’s office launched a manhunt that quickly escalated to involve all of Maine’s public safety organizations. My husband and I flew up there that day and my siblings joined us from CA the next day. The next two weeks were a nightmare, but I’m thankful that my vast majority of us expressed no false hope as we all quickly realized that he was gone. The search was not a rescue mission but a mission to locate a body.
I’m not a writer, but I do sometimes think i should write an essay about this two week period. It was so incredibly surreal. And while I do call it a nightmare, because how could it not be,it was also a time that I experienced the very best of humanity. There were so many strangers who came to our aid and surrounded us with so much care, strength and love. I will never, ever forget that and I hope to always pull from to help aid me through any dark periods I face in the future.
My Dad’s body was not found during this search and it was closed down after all efforts had been exhausted and winter was settling-in. It wasn’t until six months later after the snow had melted when his body was found near the edge of an estuary. It was found in one of the few dots of white amongst the red of areas searched on the map.
We’ll never know what happened or his exact state of mind when he left his house that night. But we did find through various clues that around that time he wasn’t of sound mind either psychologically or physical brain health-wise. I’m 100% sure it’s linked but we’ll never know the cause or if he had any awareness of what he was doing when he left the house. But that’s ok. My cancer experience taught me the lesson of letting go of needing to know the unknowable.
So, what I’m left with is a deep ache that will be with me for the rest of my life, but I also choose look at the beauty of it all. My Dad once told me that his church - his sacred place - is the forest. I find it beautiful his life ended (or he ended his life - I don’t care which) in the forest near the end of serene body of water he’d spent hours canoeing and fishing. And that those few years preceding his death was full of soul-satisfying work, deep friendships and in place that brought him true happiness.
Caissie, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. And thank you for sharing her stories. I also enjoyed the Cape Cod Condo one.
This episode really made me think about by own life too. I have one son and thought that was it for us. But lately as I get older I think about me and my husband passing and then my son being on his own having to deal with that. I think maybe a sibling to lean on would help with that stuff. Any only childs out there with advice? Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask. I don't know what to do and my body is not getting younger (39 in a month!).
The big ideas convo💗. I feel this deeply.
You guys! I say this about Phish on the regular and not on shrooms! Truer words were never spoken.
I put off listening since I didn't think my orphan heart could take your pain, Caissie. It truly is a hard knock life.
What a beautiful condo story. The magical universe prevailed, but so did you, Caissie. You were the whole of the moon person for your crescent moon Mom. You held open the doors to her dream. You gave her that gift, years of happiness and that last earth class lesson before she left.
I listen to that Waterboys song on repeat. The emotions, message and music of that song stick the landing. Perfection.
It reminds me of me and the hubby. I'm the whole of the moon. I knew it so much that, looking back, my wedding vow contained a plea to him to never try to change me. Over many years I realized it was my responsibility to stay me. I need to protect my hope, my optimism and my big dreams for me. It is who I am. He has also remained him over these decades. But the happy magic of it all is that we both have had the blessing to experience situations in multitudes of ways because of the other.
If we were all whole moons things would be a disaster. We bring the light and enthusiasm to mundane life that those crescent moons have perfected.
It is the patience, grace and appreciation for all moons that makes the universe so magical.
Sometimes you gotta act all full moon on a crescent moon to show her the way to her happiest whole moon.
Love orchestrates this perfect song on repeat.
#1: did anyone else read the podcast title in Hagrid's voice? ("yer a wizard, Harry!")
#2: Caissie, I am sending so much love to you + your family right now. Your mom sounds like an extraordinary woman and I hope we get to hear more stories about her life.
#3: Thank you for sharing the story about her move to Cape Cod. We could all use someone to push us a little the way you pushed your mom to look into the condo/job transfer. Thank you for the reminder to get out of my own way and pursue the life I have dreamed of (and also not sulk when things don't go as I had planned/expected, both tendencies of your mom's I can identify all too well with!).
#4: Regarding the love yourself vs like yourself conversation - just the other day I was talking to my therapist about the importance of radical self-acceptance, which I think is another important distinction. Accepting that your brain just works a certain way, and that's okay even if it's not how you (or others) think it *should* work. For me, I recently had a lightbulb moment in this regard related to my (recently diagnosed as an adult) ADHD that I need some down time between tasks, I can't just go-go-go from one thing to the next. I have beat myself up for too long for not getting through my to-do lists, because I'm certain I *could* achieve everything I set out to do, if only I stuck to it/wasn't so lazy/didn't get so easily distracted/etc etc. I've now accepted that I just need to lower my expectations of how much I can do in one day, allow myself breaks, and that's all okay ❤️
Amazing how the timing worked out that you were able to visit your mom before everything happened, Caissie. I'm glad you had that opportunity and I hope you know we're all thinking of you and your family ❤️
The cape cod story Caissie shared about her mum really spoke to me. I love how she pushed her mum to live in the art of the possible. What an amazing daughter to have. It definitely reminded me that I need to live more in what’s possible rather than what’s not. Thank you Caissie ❤️
Can someone remind me, how far into the pod do they mention the song, The Whole of the Moon? I wanted to relisten to that part. Thank you!
In a past post Caissie asked everyone what their new year’s toast would be... I didn’t have anything. After this episode though... I want to put it out there that I hope each one of you has a real life Caissie! That person that will hype you up, cry with you, laugh with you and can present the truth to you in the most loving beautiful way! And if you don’t have your Caissie, I hope you find that person in 2023!!!!