Busy and Caissie promised to come back and tell everyone what they were doing their best at this week, and they do. But they also talk about so many other things, including gifts, grief and why Biz has a yeast infection. CONTENT WARNING: Death, child death LISTEN HERE! And, as always, please consider the comments here your official episode discussion thread.
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I’m ready for the rom com too. I am 48 and have let go of a lot of things, seven years single, kids at home and also a kid in college, and not looking for someone to make my family, but for sure it isn’t easy! I want a partner or at least a date but the work and effort I don’t want to settle- and people are so into efficiency they think you can figure it out on line what someone is looking for before even meeting. I definitely agree loneliness aligns with expectations. So the rom com, where is it, a friend and I even say is the rom com always with some hot farmer brothers in NC or TN who didn’t know they had trauma but not too much and then the meet cute and happily ever after. Would love that. But closer to home.
Caissie, my heart is crying with you as I listen to this pod. You have so much wisdom surrounding your mom’s death, but I think it still helps to know that you are not alone in your grief. My mom died in February 2019, nearly five years ago. It feels like it just happened. It’s an insult to my heart that it’s been that long.
She had a major heart attack and medicine kept her alive for nine days in ICU before we finally “pulled the plug”. She was not herself, because of her lack of oxygen during the heart attack or because of the heavy meds, we’ll never know. It doesn’t matter.
This is what I want you to know: my family members and I took turns staying with her overnight in the ICU. As I said before, her mental state and memory was not well. At one point she asked me to climb into the hospital bed with her, presumably to snuggle? I have no memory of us ever snuggling, she was physically a very distant mother. And yet, my heart had always craved for this kind of affection. But I told her no. It was so strange for her to ask something like that, and to be honest, I was also terrified of accidentally pulling tubes out of her.
I’m so sad that I said no. I think I’ll be sad until the day I die. I still wonder what was going through her mind when she asked. Her memory had not caught up to present time, so was she thinking I was a little girl, a time I don’t remember? Was she thinking that I was my little sister, who she had shown great physical affection for? There’s a great deal of pain and trauma around this and there’s also a part of me that wonders, did she know how much she had hurt me during her time as my mother? Was her subconscious trying to make up for the pain that her conscious mind had caused? Or was her damaged brain simply seeing me as the baby I once was.
I wish I would have said yes. Even though I understand my response and feel compassion towards my self, I will always wish I would’ve said yes. I love her. I love me. It was an impossibly difficult situation to handle and I did the best I could in the moment. I know you did as well. I love you.