I’m ready for the rom com too. I am 48 and have let go of a lot of things, seven years single, kids at home and also a kid in college, and not looking for someone to make my family, but for sure it isn’t easy! I want a partner or at least a date but the work and effort I don’t want to settle- and people are so into efficiency they think you can figure it out on line what someone is looking for before even meeting. I definitely agree loneliness aligns with expectations. So the rom com, where is it, a friend and I even say is the rom com always with some hot farmer brothers in NC or TN who didn’t know they had trauma but not too much and then the meet cute and happily ever after. Would love that. But closer to home.
Caissie, my heart is crying with you as I listen to this pod. You have so much wisdom surrounding your mom’s death, but I think it still helps to know that you are not alone in your grief. My mom died in February 2019, nearly five years ago. It feels like it just happened. It’s an insult to my heart that it’s been that long.
She had a major heart attack and medicine kept her alive for nine days in ICU before we finally “pulled the plug”. She was not herself, because of her lack of oxygen during the heart attack or because of the heavy meds, we’ll never know. It doesn’t matter.
This is what I want you to know: my family members and I took turns staying with her overnight in the ICU. As I said before, her mental state and memory was not well. At one point she asked me to climb into the hospital bed with her, presumably to snuggle? I have no memory of us ever snuggling, she was physically a very distant mother. And yet, my heart had always craved for this kind of affection. But I told her no. It was so strange for her to ask something like that, and to be honest, I was also terrified of accidentally pulling tubes out of her.
I’m so sad that I said no. I think I’ll be sad until the day I die. I still wonder what was going through her mind when she asked. Her memory had not caught up to present time, so was she thinking I was a little girl, a time I don’t remember? Was she thinking that I was my little sister, who she had shown great physical affection for? There’s a great deal of pain and trauma around this and there’s also a part of me that wonders, did she know how much she had hurt me during her time as my mother? Was her subconscious trying to make up for the pain that her conscious mind had caused? Or was her damaged brain simply seeing me as the baby I once was.
I wish I would have said yes. Even though I understand my response and feel compassion towards my self, I will always wish I would’ve said yes. I love her. I love me. It was an impossibly difficult situation to handle and I did the best I could in the moment. I know you did as well. I love you.
Vanessa, Thank you for being so honest. I try not to regret much, even my irreversible decisions. But there are a few things I would do a little differently, if I had them to do again. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone in wishing I could change some things, while also rationally understanding why I did what I did. I am sending you so much love. Real love.
I guess I wasn't paying attention when you said you'd come back with a "Part 2" episode, so when I saw it, it was just like your favorite team winning in extra time. And what a heartfelt episode it was. Thanks so much for saying what a lot of us are feeling but can't say. I do appreciate it. On to other topics. I was confused by the fact that you seemed to find the information you were looking for on Google so easily. Generally when I do a Google search, this is what I get. First there is a list of websites that want to sell me products related to my search. So in this case, since most people don't want to buy houseflies, I would have probably received a list related to fly fishing equipment. After that I would have found a bunch of Reddit Lists (I wish I could figure out how to block Reddit) which may or may not be related to flies but would be lengthly and would likely not include any information that I could use. Then there would actually be sites related to what I was looking for, but most of them would be years, or in some cases, decades out of date (though since we would be looking for information about houseflies, and not about how to do something on a computer, I may have had a better chance at more recent information) then if I missed seeing the prompt to display more results, we would have leapt to a bunch of searches that may or not be related to flies. So as you can imagine, I'm pretty jealous that you could find the information you wanted so quickly. In recent weeks, google has been trying to get me to jump in and "enhance" my searches by adding some kind of AI to the mix, but so far, I've resisted opening that can of worms. I'd go to the Apple Genius Bar to see if they could provide any hints, but that would just mean that the children that work there would just look at me with pity and so I'd just give up. Oh well.
I also listened to the insight on dating. I gave up on dating years ago. It wasn't hard for me. When I was a teen and should have been socializing, my parents focused me on studying so that I could get a good education (that hopefully included a lot of financial aid). Not saying this was good or bad, but it did make me socially awkward and not as adept at the whole dating scene. Adding to this is a factor that my parents didn't include in their calculations is as time went on, I got used to being alone and even to this day don't really enjoy being around groups of people. The few times I tried dating, it just seemed to be a lot of work and bother, probably a result of not meeting the person I should be with or at least not recognizing it. So eventually, I just got tired and stopped. Don't get me wrong, while I am alone, I'm not lonely, I do go out with friends and go to events now and then, I just don't make a big deal out of it. There are times that I can see where being with someone would be handy, mostly when I'm trying to pack and get the house ready when I take a trip, but all in all, I'm ok. It does get awkward now and then. People tend to ask me if I regret not getting married and having kids. My answer just seems to confuse them. I can't say if I'd be better or worse off. I know I've missed some things, but I've also had opportunities that I wouldn't have had have had, if I'd made different choices. All I can say is it would be different. Oh and the other thing where having a partner would be nice is food delivery programs. I've tried several, but all their programs are based on two people, and that's a lot of food. Cruise vacations are also much more expensive as they're based on double occupancy. I seem to take one every other year or so, and my "cruise guy" (yes, when you go on enough of these things, the cruise companies assign you a person who helps you book your trip) always includes another person named "John Doe" just in case I find someone to take so that we can add them in and not have to worry about any price increases. All this really means is about a month before final payment is due, I call him and we back that person out and make adjustments because I'll be traveling alone. Things like cutting from two drink packages to one and moving the extra money to upgraded wifi. But I'm encouraged that as the companies bring new ships on line that they are including an increased number of single cabins and more and more of them aren't little boxes inside the ship but are reasonably sized cabins with balconies. So there's always hope.
And finally that brings us to New Years Eve. One bad thing since I retired is time has become more of a flat circle for me and while I know holidays exist, they often creep up on me. So when Busy an Caissie mentioned that next week they'd be traveling for Christmas, that reminded me that Christmas was close and I needed to take care of some things. Things like checking my coffee storage cans to make sure that I wouldn't run out of coffee during the holiday period (it was close, but I ordered some and from past experience, it'll be here tomorrow or the next day, so no worries. In my area, when a holiday comes that involves college students coming home, I need to plan to pick up bagels because close to the holidays, they'll be hard to find and I'll be taking care of that tomorrow along with most of my grocery shopping. And then there's New Years Eve. Here is Pittsburgh it's a big thing. They have a big party downtown with two fireworks display, one at midnight and one around 9pm for people who can't stay awake until midnight (old people like me and various small children). I hear it's pretty spectacular, but I've never seen it, mostly because I just don't want to experience the traffic of getting there and mostly getting back. The borough I live in also has a midnight fireworks display. It's at the park a couple of blocks up the hill from me, and I also hear it's nice, but my only experience with it, is the fireworks tend to wake me up when midnight comes around so that's how I know the New Year has arrived. I am a little worried this year, though. I replaced my windows last summer and the new windows have better sound insulation, so there is a chance, I'll sleep right through this years fireworks.
So Happy Holidays, everyone. I hope you enjoy them and wish you all successful visits with friends and families. Be kind, if you're traveling be patient and I'll be rooting for all of you to not have any delayed flights or lost luggage. But if you do, please don't yell at the gate agents. They truly don't control any of that stuff and yelling at them does no good. Take deep breaths, calm down, make alternate plans if needed and when you get a chance find the highest level of management you can and write them. Most times it's just makes you feel a bit better to vent, but you never know. Maybe all you get is you feel better. Maybe you get a bump to the number of miles in your frequent flyer account. Maybe you get a refund. Not saying this will happen, but your chances are better if you're polite, or at least that's been my experience.
Happy Holidays, dear Herman! If it makes you feel better, I have worked as a researcher (basically a professional Googler, LOL!) annnnnd sometimes a search that takes a little bit longer than we'd like, we edit the time lapse down so you don't have to listen to it.
What a phenomenal community here. What amazing hosts that share so openly. We are not alone because we have each other. And we all have these stories to share. Thank you Caissie for helping each of us know we are not alone ♥️
I really resonated today with Busy talking about dating. I’m 45 and got divorced 8 years ago now and I dated for a little while two years ago. But I just go so fed up with all the ridiculousness out there I said nope. I’ll just be alone right now. I just can’t even. Too much work for too little reward.
Lisa, I'm curious if you feel happy alone or if you feel like you'd want a partner, it's just that there aren't many worthy partners out there? Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to love yourself enough to feel fulfilled. I hope it is.
There are definitely times where I think it would be nice to have someone to go do things with. I also sometimes think though that the partner I’m looking for would have to be confident enough in themselves to not be intimidated by a very independent woman. I feel like I might be too much for a lot of guys in that I don’t “need” them. The majority of the time I am perfectly content doing things I like to do on my own, or with friends.
I thought about you today when I was reading a funny social media thread where a man complained that the woman he just started dating was saying something to the effect of how she was reconsidering being with him because he was eating all her food in her house & all these women chimed in with reasons they had to break up with men who disturbed the peace they felt when they were single, LOL!
Gosh, Caissie, thank you for sharing how grief has affected you in the past year. I moved my dad into memory care last year on Dec 23. I had high hopes for his quality of life there, and unfortunately things did not work out. There were so many downs, and so many hard decisions, and then he died. And I fight every day to not beat myself up for having made wrong decisions that led to his decline and inadequate care. All the I should haves... And I tell myself over and over that I did the best I could at the time. We don't get to decide how these things will go, but I have to believe these people we loved - even though parent/child relationships can be fraught and complicated - are somewhere knowing we really did our best and that we loved them, and wished things could have been different. Wouldn't it be nice if they'd send us a message to let us know? I've been defining grief as stepping on land mines. And there seems to be at least 1 a day through the holiday season. Wishing you and your family so much this holiday. Thank you for being part of how I felt connected to others this year. Listening to you and Busy on the podcast, and how honest you are, has helped me.
Sherry, I really hope they figure out a way to let us know. I am sending you lots of love and wishes that you dodge as many mines as you can this holiday season. You deserve that!
People magazine can GGF; gah I don’t know how anyone in the public eye would deal with the ridic headlines then the crazy’s that come post on a public insta. It shows a lot of restraint not to engage all of their bulshit, I love how the community bite back
It’s a powerful thing to be so open and honest, to have such a strong connection with your audience, but Caissie, you do it so beautifully. I’m a long time listener of the pod, only commenting occasionally, but I’ve always admired your storytelling way of speaking, and how lovely and wise you are. When you laugh, I laugh. When you cry, I cry. I’m so grateful to have such an amazing woman to look up to, especially as a gal in her early twenties trying to figure shit out. Thank you for all you do, and I’ll be thinking of you and your lovely family as the holiday approaches. 🥹💜💜
Caissie, I'm only partway through, but just wanted to send a virtual hug and thank you for sharing. I think we all feel less alone when someone is brave enough to share the way you and Busy do, and I know that comes at a personal toll to you both. Just wanted you to know it matters. ♥️
I’m ready for the rom com too. I am 48 and have let go of a lot of things, seven years single, kids at home and also a kid in college, and not looking for someone to make my family, but for sure it isn’t easy! I want a partner or at least a date but the work and effort I don’t want to settle- and people are so into efficiency they think you can figure it out on line what someone is looking for before even meeting. I definitely agree loneliness aligns with expectations. So the rom com, where is it, a friend and I even say is the rom com always with some hot farmer brothers in NC or TN who didn’t know they had trauma but not too much and then the meet cute and happily ever after. Would love that. But closer to home.
Caissie, my heart is crying with you as I listen to this pod. You have so much wisdom surrounding your mom’s death, but I think it still helps to know that you are not alone in your grief. My mom died in February 2019, nearly five years ago. It feels like it just happened. It’s an insult to my heart that it’s been that long.
She had a major heart attack and medicine kept her alive for nine days in ICU before we finally “pulled the plug”. She was not herself, because of her lack of oxygen during the heart attack or because of the heavy meds, we’ll never know. It doesn’t matter.
This is what I want you to know: my family members and I took turns staying with her overnight in the ICU. As I said before, her mental state and memory was not well. At one point she asked me to climb into the hospital bed with her, presumably to snuggle? I have no memory of us ever snuggling, she was physically a very distant mother. And yet, my heart had always craved for this kind of affection. But I told her no. It was so strange for her to ask something like that, and to be honest, I was also terrified of accidentally pulling tubes out of her.
I’m so sad that I said no. I think I’ll be sad until the day I die. I still wonder what was going through her mind when she asked. Her memory had not caught up to present time, so was she thinking I was a little girl, a time I don’t remember? Was she thinking that I was my little sister, who she had shown great physical affection for? There’s a great deal of pain and trauma around this and there’s also a part of me that wonders, did she know how much she had hurt me during her time as my mother? Was her subconscious trying to make up for the pain that her conscious mind had caused? Or was her damaged brain simply seeing me as the baby I once was.
I wish I would have said yes. Even though I understand my response and feel compassion towards my self, I will always wish I would’ve said yes. I love her. I love me. It was an impossibly difficult situation to handle and I did the best I could in the moment. I know you did as well. I love you.
Vanessa, Thank you for being so honest. I try not to regret much, even my irreversible decisions. But there are a few things I would do a little differently, if I had them to do again. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone in wishing I could change some things, while also rationally understanding why I did what I did. I am sending you so much love. Real love.
I guess I wasn't paying attention when you said you'd come back with a "Part 2" episode, so when I saw it, it was just like your favorite team winning in extra time. And what a heartfelt episode it was. Thanks so much for saying what a lot of us are feeling but can't say. I do appreciate it. On to other topics. I was confused by the fact that you seemed to find the information you were looking for on Google so easily. Generally when I do a Google search, this is what I get. First there is a list of websites that want to sell me products related to my search. So in this case, since most people don't want to buy houseflies, I would have probably received a list related to fly fishing equipment. After that I would have found a bunch of Reddit Lists (I wish I could figure out how to block Reddit) which may or may not be related to flies but would be lengthly and would likely not include any information that I could use. Then there would actually be sites related to what I was looking for, but most of them would be years, or in some cases, decades out of date (though since we would be looking for information about houseflies, and not about how to do something on a computer, I may have had a better chance at more recent information) then if I missed seeing the prompt to display more results, we would have leapt to a bunch of searches that may or not be related to flies. So as you can imagine, I'm pretty jealous that you could find the information you wanted so quickly. In recent weeks, google has been trying to get me to jump in and "enhance" my searches by adding some kind of AI to the mix, but so far, I've resisted opening that can of worms. I'd go to the Apple Genius Bar to see if they could provide any hints, but that would just mean that the children that work there would just look at me with pity and so I'd just give up. Oh well.
I also listened to the insight on dating. I gave up on dating years ago. It wasn't hard for me. When I was a teen and should have been socializing, my parents focused me on studying so that I could get a good education (that hopefully included a lot of financial aid). Not saying this was good or bad, but it did make me socially awkward and not as adept at the whole dating scene. Adding to this is a factor that my parents didn't include in their calculations is as time went on, I got used to being alone and even to this day don't really enjoy being around groups of people. The few times I tried dating, it just seemed to be a lot of work and bother, probably a result of not meeting the person I should be with or at least not recognizing it. So eventually, I just got tired and stopped. Don't get me wrong, while I am alone, I'm not lonely, I do go out with friends and go to events now and then, I just don't make a big deal out of it. There are times that I can see where being with someone would be handy, mostly when I'm trying to pack and get the house ready when I take a trip, but all in all, I'm ok. It does get awkward now and then. People tend to ask me if I regret not getting married and having kids. My answer just seems to confuse them. I can't say if I'd be better or worse off. I know I've missed some things, but I've also had opportunities that I wouldn't have had have had, if I'd made different choices. All I can say is it would be different. Oh and the other thing where having a partner would be nice is food delivery programs. I've tried several, but all their programs are based on two people, and that's a lot of food. Cruise vacations are also much more expensive as they're based on double occupancy. I seem to take one every other year or so, and my "cruise guy" (yes, when you go on enough of these things, the cruise companies assign you a person who helps you book your trip) always includes another person named "John Doe" just in case I find someone to take so that we can add them in and not have to worry about any price increases. All this really means is about a month before final payment is due, I call him and we back that person out and make adjustments because I'll be traveling alone. Things like cutting from two drink packages to one and moving the extra money to upgraded wifi. But I'm encouraged that as the companies bring new ships on line that they are including an increased number of single cabins and more and more of them aren't little boxes inside the ship but are reasonably sized cabins with balconies. So there's always hope.
And finally that brings us to New Years Eve. One bad thing since I retired is time has become more of a flat circle for me and while I know holidays exist, they often creep up on me. So when Busy an Caissie mentioned that next week they'd be traveling for Christmas, that reminded me that Christmas was close and I needed to take care of some things. Things like checking my coffee storage cans to make sure that I wouldn't run out of coffee during the holiday period (it was close, but I ordered some and from past experience, it'll be here tomorrow or the next day, so no worries. In my area, when a holiday comes that involves college students coming home, I need to plan to pick up bagels because close to the holidays, they'll be hard to find and I'll be taking care of that tomorrow along with most of my grocery shopping. And then there's New Years Eve. Here is Pittsburgh it's a big thing. They have a big party downtown with two fireworks display, one at midnight and one around 9pm for people who can't stay awake until midnight (old people like me and various small children). I hear it's pretty spectacular, but I've never seen it, mostly because I just don't want to experience the traffic of getting there and mostly getting back. The borough I live in also has a midnight fireworks display. It's at the park a couple of blocks up the hill from me, and I also hear it's nice, but my only experience with it, is the fireworks tend to wake me up when midnight comes around so that's how I know the New Year has arrived. I am a little worried this year, though. I replaced my windows last summer and the new windows have better sound insulation, so there is a chance, I'll sleep right through this years fireworks.
So Happy Holidays, everyone. I hope you enjoy them and wish you all successful visits with friends and families. Be kind, if you're traveling be patient and I'll be rooting for all of you to not have any delayed flights or lost luggage. But if you do, please don't yell at the gate agents. They truly don't control any of that stuff and yelling at them does no good. Take deep breaths, calm down, make alternate plans if needed and when you get a chance find the highest level of management you can and write them. Most times it's just makes you feel a bit better to vent, but you never know. Maybe all you get is you feel better. Maybe you get a bump to the number of miles in your frequent flyer account. Maybe you get a refund. Not saying this will happen, but your chances are better if you're polite, or at least that's been my experience.
And with that, I'll finally stop.
Happy Holidays, dear Herman! If it makes you feel better, I have worked as a researcher (basically a professional Googler, LOL!) annnnnd sometimes a search that takes a little bit longer than we'd like, we edit the time lapse down so you don't have to listen to it.
What a phenomenal community here. What amazing hosts that share so openly. We are not alone because we have each other. And we all have these stories to share. Thank you Caissie for helping each of us know we are not alone ♥️
Thank you for being here with us, Kristen. It means the world to me. I really mean it.
I really resonated today with Busy talking about dating. I’m 45 and got divorced 8 years ago now and I dated for a little while two years ago. But I just go so fed up with all the ridiculousness out there I said nope. I’ll just be alone right now. I just can’t even. Too much work for too little reward.
Lisa, I'm curious if you feel happy alone or if you feel like you'd want a partner, it's just that there aren't many worthy partners out there? Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to love yourself enough to feel fulfilled. I hope it is.
There are definitely times where I think it would be nice to have someone to go do things with. I also sometimes think though that the partner I’m looking for would have to be confident enough in themselves to not be intimidated by a very independent woman. I feel like I might be too much for a lot of guys in that I don’t “need” them. The majority of the time I am perfectly content doing things I like to do on my own, or with friends.
I thought about you today when I was reading a funny social media thread where a man complained that the woman he just started dating was saying something to the effect of how she was reconsidering being with him because he was eating all her food in her house & all these women chimed in with reasons they had to break up with men who disturbed the peace they felt when they were single, LOL!
I mean, exactly 🤣 So much peace! Or at least relatively more than with two children plus a husband who acts like a child lol.
HAHA! Every reason really had me laughing very hard.
Gosh, Caissie, thank you for sharing how grief has affected you in the past year. I moved my dad into memory care last year on Dec 23. I had high hopes for his quality of life there, and unfortunately things did not work out. There were so many downs, and so many hard decisions, and then he died. And I fight every day to not beat myself up for having made wrong decisions that led to his decline and inadequate care. All the I should haves... And I tell myself over and over that I did the best I could at the time. We don't get to decide how these things will go, but I have to believe these people we loved - even though parent/child relationships can be fraught and complicated - are somewhere knowing we really did our best and that we loved them, and wished things could have been different. Wouldn't it be nice if they'd send us a message to let us know? I've been defining grief as stepping on land mines. And there seems to be at least 1 a day through the holiday season. Wishing you and your family so much this holiday. Thank you for being part of how I felt connected to others this year. Listening to you and Busy on the podcast, and how honest you are, has helped me.
Sherry, I really hope they figure out a way to let us know. I am sending you lots of love and wishes that you dodge as many mines as you can this holiday season. You deserve that!
People magazine can GGF; gah I don’t know how anyone in the public eye would deal with the ridic headlines then the crazy’s that come post on a public insta. It shows a lot of restraint not to engage all of their bulshit, I love how the community bite back
It’s a powerful thing to be so open and honest, to have such a strong connection with your audience, but Caissie, you do it so beautifully. I’m a long time listener of the pod, only commenting occasionally, but I’ve always admired your storytelling way of speaking, and how lovely and wise you are. When you laugh, I laugh. When you cry, I cry. I’m so grateful to have such an amazing woman to look up to, especially as a gal in her early twenties trying to figure shit out. Thank you for all you do, and I’ll be thinking of you and your lovely family as the holiday approaches. 🥹💜💜
Makayla, that means a lot to me. Thank you for the kindest words. You sound pretty wise and kind already to me. 💜
Hugs and love to you, Caissie, for sharing so vulnerably and beautifully with us. 💛
Thank you so much, Nicole. I appreciate it so much.
Caissie, I'm only partway through, but just wanted to send a virtual hug and thank you for sharing. I think we all feel less alone when someone is brave enough to share the way you and Busy do, and I know that comes at a personal toll to you both. Just wanted you to know it matters. ♥️
I feel it! Thank you, Allison!