Three Little Things...

Three Little Things That Got Me Through This Week!

Hoo boy, it’s been a doozy of a week! I’ll get into it on the podcast, I’m sure, but today I’m proud of myself for finally doing it. Doing what? Oh, just listing some of the clothes I promised myself I would try to sell on Poshmark eons ago!!! I mean, if you’ve ever done that shit, bravo, because it is an entire JOB. You gotta take pictures, it’s nice if IN the pictures the clothes don’t look like they’ve been balled up in the bottom of your closet for an undetermined number of years which they most certainly have, then you’ve got to post the pictures. Anyone know why pics I now take on my iPhone are no longer jpegs but heics? Whatever heics are, they are incompatible with almost anything you’d ever want to do with a picture from your phone & it will 100% add seven steps to the thing you are already being a huge baby about doing. That’s seven steps per pic beeteedubs. Oh, also, Poshmark wants you to remember what everything you ever wore originally cost. Who am I? Marilu Henner? (If you don’t know why I’m bringing her up, you should Google it. It’s entertaining!)

Anyhoo, so far, I’ve posted ten items. I’ve promised myself that I will post at least 12 more tonight, but right now, I’m getting on the old Substack to do my weekly Three Little Things post AS A TREAT! So, here we go. (As always, I don’t get anything for recommending these things, except joy.)

This is very brave of me posting a closeup pic of my toilet, don’t you think? But lookit how shiny it is! You can see my reflection in the porcelain! And that’s my fully clothed elbow, to be clear. I’ve learned from Angela Kinsey’s misfortune! But, the reason I’m posting a pic of my toilet is because I love that little nonpareil-shaped splodge of purple gel. It’s the Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Cleaning Stamp Fresh Gel in Lavender! This product is nothing new and I’m not sure how much it actually passively cleans your can. But it does smell pretty good. However, if I’m being honest, the real appeal is just that it’s satisfying to apply that cute little dollop to the porcelain once a week. Besides giving people the impression that you care enough about their bathroom experience in your home to stick your hand in & basically perform what amounts to cake piping skills for their benefit, it’s also real test of nerves! Last weekend was Matt’s birthday & we were having some friends over for drinks on the patio. Last minute, I tried to apply our weekly dose of SBTCSFG in Lavender & frankly, I choked. It didn’t come out like the top of a cute soft-serve cone. At best, it looked like a giant transparent sealing wax on an old letter, very clumsily done. Luckily, none of our friends commented directly on it, nor did they anonymously tip off the society pages of any local magazines or newspapers! If anyone who came over is reading this, please know that I knew I blew it & that this week, I took my time & nailed it. (I am thinking of getting every color of these little gel stamps that they sell & filling our crapper with a whole garden of colorful jelly flowers. Would this be delightful or just gross, though? I look forward to your feedback!)

Next little thing. Most items I gas up on here bring me some joy, but it would be hard to say that about these, exactly. These motherfudgers are SO SHARP I am scared of them. You know how you sometimes open a pair of shears & handle them by the blades to either curl ribbon or open a box? Well, I did that once & soon realized that I had not just opened the box, but also opened myself in a few spots, just by touching them. Jordan Peele’s “Us” isn’t the only way you can be terrified by a pair of golden scissors! All that being said, these bitches can CUT! Which is what scissors are for. Just the other day I decided to de-sleeve a denim jacket & not only did they zip through the fabric leaving nary a ragged edge, they also easily cut through the seams where 4 layers of denim were sewn together. Now me and my jean vest are ready to go under cover as a trouble-making high schooler who is really out to investigate how much the gym teacher sleeps during detention! I’ve paid a lot for really fancy fabric scissors & high quality kitchen shears. I bought these because I thought they’d look cute next to some other gold office accessories I keep on my desk. Namely, a bird-shaped tape dispenser that does not easily dispense tape & a gold stapler that is adequate. The scissors are from Target, the brand is “Sugar Paper Essentials” & they cost $12.99. Please use them responsibly!

Ok, last little thing. Are you sick of hearing about my closet makeover saga yet? I am sick of living it! Matt is sick of hearing about me living it on the podcast! But, it’s allllmost over. Just a little more wallpaper, some peel & stick carpet tiles on the floor, some kind of ceiling solution that will just cover the paint disaster, a few shoe racks have been ordered, then put the doors back on & Bob’s your Uncle, as they say in another country. I don’t know who Bob is, nor how he becomes your uncle. I assume he marries your aunt?

I am so grateful to Matt for all the time he’s put in, trying to make these closets as functional as possible for me, especially after how long & hard he works all week. But when you can only work on a project on the weekend, sometimes it stretches to more than one weekend, or four, especially when there are unforeseen challenges like “The Great Paint Boo Boo”. And when the project is a closet project, that can mean that one person’s closet contents are piled up in front of the other person’s closet for a very long & frustrating time. That is why, even though we’re not exactly done, I decided to go ahead & hang up my shit so that Matt doesn’t pull his groin stretching over sweater mountain to get to his work pants every day.

That’s where this exciting news comes in. Do you know about Higher Hangers? Apparently, they were invented by a man named Drew Cleaver in his college dorm room when he noticed that all of his shirt hems were hanging down touching the lower rod where his pants hung, even though there were 3-4 inches of free space up top where the hook of the hanger lived. Insert mind exploding emoji here! If you’ve ever tried to optimize your closet, you know inches make all the difference & I too have been living with my upper hanging items dangling down onto my lower items & stressing me the eff out! Drew made a prototype & did a Kickstarter & now you can buy Higher Hangers online.

Are they more expensive than regular plastic hangers, or even those thin velvetty hangers created by one of our other great American inventors, Joy Mangano? Yes. Do people in the Amazon reviews complain about them snapping? Yes. But I used 120 of them & so far, knock wood, they seem ok? Also, I ordered the ones that are wider than standard hangers & those were somehow cheaper, so, happy to mysteriously save a few bucks? And the ones I purchased are biodegradable (made of flaxseed) so I get to feel slightly morally superior about helping the planet, even though I am getting rid of 120 Joy Mangano hangers because they are not for me. I mean, look at the difference!

Listen, no shade to Joy or her hangers. I liked them better than the biographical movie about her starring Jennifer Lawrence! But, you know my closets are from 1954 when the average American woman was only 5’2”! I need hangers that will accommodate clothing that fits a woman who is 5’6” in 2022!!!

So, in a week where many things gave me a headache & a bad attitude, these are three little things that made my life a little bit better. Now you tell me, what were YOUR three things this week?