hot butts!

AKA Pt. 2 of my Civil Disobedience in DC for Bodily Autonomy AKA BRING YOUR OWN YOGA MAT NEXT TIME.....

I truly felt like an idiot. I had barely paid attention on the informational zoom. In part because, like I’ve said previously about a million times, I WAS NOT PLANNING ON GETTING ARRESTED. And yet here I was, in the very stuffy basement “VIP” holding room of a church literally across the street from the Supreme Court, we’d been there for less than ten minutes and I had changed my damn mind.

Caren decided that she may as well get arrested too so we both hoofed it back upstairs to the check in table to let them know. The organizers required anyone PLANNING on getting arrested to fill out a form and get checked in- it’s one way to ensure that they keep track of everyone arrested as a part of the protest and make sure everyone is released. And I assume, if someone DOESN’T get released, the organizers can try to track down where that person was taken, get them a lawyer or help or something. But again, I’m only ASSUMING this is the reason because while I was on the informational zoom, aside from my hot butt question, I was mostly focused on the playdate Cricket was having with her friend Olivia and chatting with Olivia’s mom Joanne and pouring more rose for myself while being proud of my ability to multitask my activism AND parenting/socializing. Multitasking is fantastic and sometimes super necessary but also maybe not the BEST for someone with ADHD.¹

Also,  since it seems like everything has gone to zooms in the last several years, I find it harder and harder to discern which informational zooms actually require that ATTENTION BE PAID to the INFORMATION. (Let’s be real, I probably could have guessed this was one of them. Ahhh. Well, we LIVE AND LEARN. )

Anyway, I decided there was no sense in worrying about what I didn’t pay attention to- I mean, I was going to be with the PRESIDENT of Planned Parenthood and Caren and standing (or sitting on very hot asphalt) alongside several other high profile activists and artists and people who probably, you know,  paid attention to the informational zoom.  I was sure I’d figure it out- I just wanted to be able to grab one of those yoga mats for my butt when it was time to sit. And whatever- isn’t this where my STREET SMARTS should come into play? ²

I snuck back to my secret private bathroom to change out of the white breezy cotton dress that I wore on the train down and that was already soaked in sweat. I had planned to wear my cute and very lightweight green short shorts but even with a yoga mat, I didn’t want my bare legs in jeopardy of burns. I was grateful that in my 5am haze, I decided to shove my white high waisted Rachel Comey jeans in my bag at the last second but good lord, I said a prayer right then and there in my secret bathroom that my Diva cup would hold.

Back in the VIP holding room, Alexis and I briefly chatted about our kids and summer plans and possible vacations for both of us, and then her chief of staff needed to discuss travel and update her on new developments in the battleground states so I used the opportunity to put on some eye makeup and my favorite red lipstick that DOES NOT BUDGE, even when faced with sweat like mine.*** Sadly, the brand was discontinued but I think you can still find it online. It’s FLESH BEAUTY in Brazen.

Rachel from the train showed up and decided yes, she too would get arrested. We discussed if we thought it would be possible for us to catch the train we were planning to and that lead to some discussion in the room about how Alexis had her flight to catch and that Reverend Barber would be with us and surely the capitol police wouldn’t hold him for hours and hours. Not to mention, Planned Parenthood had private security that would be kind of with us up at the front. In fact, one of the guys on detail that day had been with me in D.C. (pre-pandemic) during the rally at the Supreme Court when I spoke (and became the focus of some very intense alt-right hate memes and attacks for a few weeks).

The people that go into that kind of high level personal security (protecting celebs who have threats or are just hugely famous, important business people, or occasionally politicians) are generally either ex-police or ex-military or ex-secret service or a combination. Sometimes, I think they’re still on a police force and do private security for supplemental income. But they almost always all seem to know each other (even from different security companies) and they ALWAYS seem to know the local law enforcement. Plus, thanks to Rachel and Caren, I learned that the Capitol Police were very aware of the plan and in fact, the organizers had a permit for the protest. So, between knowing that the Capitol Police knew what was happening and the fact that the private security dudes were there, I was FAIRLY confident that the greatest risk I faced was a hot butt. But still, when Rachel handed me her sharpie after she was finished writing important phone numbers on her arm, I followed suit (thank god SHE’D been paying attention). I added UNGOVERNABLE TEMPER in giant hastily written block letters on the same arm, for good measure.

I feel like I’m ruining this a little. Like by my telling how it’s all planned out and the police know and that there are permits and private security and numbers to call is kind of taking away from the inherent bad ass-ness that getting arrested in protest evokes. The truth is, it wasn’t that bad-ass of me. It was an easy decision to make (MUCH LIKE MY OWN ABORTION).

If I’M BEING HONEST, I think I knew I was going to volunteer to get arrested as soon as I walked into the church, even before I saw Alexis; when I saw the cross behind the pulpit and thought of my great-grandfather (the Episcopal Socialist Priest) and how my Catholic upbringing (and the Catholic mother of the kid who knocked me up) had led me to believe I was going to hell when I was 15.

But perhaps I’d known when we were walking up to the church and I saw women who had clearly marched and screamed like hell 50 years ago lacing up their shoes and adjusting their knee braces.

Maybe I had decided even before the church. Maybe it was on the train when Caren told me all of the big (HUGE) names of celebs and VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE that she had been on special zooms with in the past week who were all asking what could they do but then, you know, weren’t able to make it to DC for whatever reason.

But if I’m being really REALLY real, I think I probably knew when I woke up at 5am and took all my cards out of my phone wallet except my ID and 2 crisp 50 dollar bills, that truly, getting arrested was the LEAST I could do that day. And (also a parallel to my own abortion): I knew I’d be fine. Such is the privilege I carry with me daily. With my whiteness and money and education and access and ALL that those things allow me in this very fucked up and unfair and racist system we’re fighting so hard to break down.

Our little VIP room started to fill up, first with a tiny spark plug of a woman, who was wearing impossibly high rainbow platform Gucci tennis shoes. (Caryn told me she was Julia Haart from the reality show My Unorthodox Life and I made a mental note that I needed to watch that show) Then the actors Alysia Reiner and her husband David Basche. And finally congresswoman Judy Chu! I had met Rep Judy Chu after I testified before congress in 2019. She has LONG been a supporter of ensuring our fundamental right to abortion- in fact she’s the Representative who introduced WHPA in September of last year, right after Texas passed SB-8. ³Shortly after they came in, someone came in and gave us last minute instructions and then we all filed out of the little stuffy room and upstairs to where Reverend Barber was already speaking.

Once he was finished and everyone was appropriately fired up(such is the man’s gift), we all made our way out into the 97 degree heat and were directed to where the banner was being held. I said hi to Tarana Burke- a legend and an icon and who I know because of Michelle Williams NO BIG DEAL. Organizers had people from the different orgs hold onto the banner as we walked forward- It was kind of painfully slow because there were what felt like a million photographers walking backwards taking pictures of the march.⁴

FINALLY we got to the intersection where we were to sit down. Guys. I looked for those yoga mats. And then I realized THERE WERE NONE. Oh my god. So dumb. Also, I forgot that my super cute high waisted Rachel Comey jeans happen to be REAL TIGHT when I’m sitting down. I tried to make myself as comfortable as possible in our little puddle of protesters but I’m not gonna lie- it was SUPER HOT ON MY BUTT. ON ALL OF OUR BUTTS. I felt really bad for a girl sitting behind me in shorts who had skin like Caissie- you know, almost transparent. From my right I heard Tarana say,

“Oh shit. Does anyone have an extra 50? I wasn’t planning on doing this today. I told my husband I was just making a speech and I’d be right back!”

Everyone around her began to laugh as I dug my extra folded 50 dollars from my phone wallet thing and reached over to hand it to her.⁵

After about twenty minutes, the police announced that this was the THIRD WARNING TO MOVE OR YOU WILL BE ARRESTED, and I was relieved. I was sure, I mean, I think we all were pretty sure, that they would start arresting people from the front of the group- where I was sitting.

I mean- Alexis had a plane to catch! Caren and Rachel and I - wait. We lost Caren- not lost her like she died but she wasn't sitting next to us anymore and I wasn’t quite sure what happened. Rachel told me that while I was giving Tarana my extra 50, someone from the support group on the sides yelled at Caren to come out of the protest group. Caren told us later she was severely dehydrated and ended up being treated by the paramedics and getting an IV!! While I had made sure to drink my big electrolyte infused water bottle, Caren had only had coffee in the morning because she was afraid of having to pee during the protest! So that’s a good lesson to learn; make sure you drink enough water during a protest because it’s better to have to pee than to end up in an ambulance.

So anyway! The arrests were about to begin! And then I watched as the Capitol Police walk right to the back of the group and begin arresting people. From the back. Of the 200 people sitting in the middle of the street. Of which I was literally in the very very front. And so. We waited. And waited. And waited. It was hot for sure. We talked a bit. There was some music playing from the sides and Nelini kept the call and response chanting going while also tossing water bottles to people who needed them.

As soon as I realized it was going to be a while I flagged Nelini down,

“Babe! I take it there aren’t YOGA mats but is there like cardboard? Or ANYTHING that we can shove under our butts??”

A minute later she triumphantly returned with a ton of the signs for the protest that said WE WONT BACK DOWN and gave them to us- I passed them back telling people instead of holding them up, put them under your butt. It actually kind of helped. Especially my new friend behind me with the translucent skin and shorts on.

It was really hot (have I said that?) But it was also beautiful out, especially when a breeze would pass or a cloud would hide the sun for a minute. The sky was so blue and clear and the clouds were giving perfect white puffy cloud shapes. I looked up at them for a while, hoping to see a sign or at the very least a good animal shape but instead was overwhelmed by the smallness of all humankind.

My own smallness, sitting down in the middle of a big street, surrounded by the giant white buildings where the laws of our country are made and decided. Just one small me, fitting like a tiny piece in the puzzle of my family’s history, which then I guess fits into the puzzle of this country, and then the planet or maybe it’s just all the puzzle of humanity?

And then I thought about how very very small all of these right wing politicians and judges are, holding up their very important ancient documents and rules and thoughts and decisions. Those guys think that they’re so big. They think that their puzzle pieces are bigger and more important than everyone else’s. I bet they think they’re so big and important that they’re allowed to CHANGE THE SHAPE of the puzzle all together.

But that’s not how it works.

We can’t let them.

After about an hour, officers were finally getting close.

We cheered as they arrested Reverend Barber.⁶

We cheered when they arrested Rep. Judy Chu⁷

We cheered when they arrested Tarana.

And then an officer leaned down and said to me,

“You understand that you’ve broken the law here and I’m taking you under arrest?”

I said yes and smiled and gave the peace sign as he put well…not handcuffs on me but rather a wristband that had his name, my arresting officer. He helped me get up and then politely asked me to wait as he put a wristband on Hector Sanchez Barba and then he led us away as we heard cheers from our last few remaining friends and those supporters on the sides. As we were being led to the holding area, which was part of the Capital lawn, we passed a line up of some press. Someone with a camera yelled out,

“BUSY! WHY ARE YOU HERE TODAY? WHY ARE YOU GETTING ARRESTED?”

And I gave what basically looks like the shrug emoji and said,

“Equality. I’m here for equality.”⁸

They processed us in the order of arrest which meant, you guessed it, we were the last ones standing- or sitting as the case may be.

That part took hours but was very efficient. Many of the officers knew who I was- most of them were VERY young and really only knew and loved the movie White Chicks but there was one officer probably in his fourties who was not only a Cougartown fan but also had watched Dawson’s Creek back in the day.

Sadly, no fans of the pod.

Alexis rescheduled her flight for the next morning. Rachel and I moved to a much later train. Reverend Barber got someone to bring him a smoothie.He also had his own stool to sit on, he’s got a condition that affects his spine and can be very painful- apparently his stool goes everywhere with him.

I had a chance to mention to Reverend Barber that I’d recently discovered my Great-great-Granfather was a Christian Socialist Priest and he said,

“Oh yeah. Those guys at the turn of the century were fascinating and on the right path. Of course the government and the capitalists wanted them gone. And I guess they did a pretty good job of that.”

After close to four hours and one supervised trip to the Capitol restrooms, our group was told that it was finally our time to be processed and we decided to take one last group picture before being led over to the long folding tables with the officers who were filling out our paperwork.

The Capitol building is in the background. Nelini Stamp, one of the main organizers, who had been shouting for two hours straight during the protest is giving a peace sign next to Kelly Robinson, who is behind Sasha Ahuja - they’re both superstars with Planned Parenthood. Julia Haart is standing with a woman we met who had come from Texas that I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BLANKING ON HER NAME and whose red lipstick impressively stayed as well as mine. Hector is holding the camera out since he had the longest arms. Rachel and I (strangers at 6am) are in the front, arms around each other and I’m giving the peace sign again. And in the back is Alexis McGill Johnson, jumping with joy for our freedom.

1. my actual notes from the zoom.

2. A VERY close friend of mine once dated the most PRETENTIOUS dick of all time- he was a WRITER (aren’t we all, honey) and I don’t need to waste precious words describing him- you know the type- ivy educated bullshit dude. Anyway, the first time I met him, I knew he thought I was dumb (or if not DUMB, dumb adjacent) and I could literally have cared less EXCEPT that the next morning when my friend called me for the recap of the previous evening she said, “Nathan said he thought you had exceptional emotional intelligence.” Which, WHILE TRUE, is a sneaky way of calling someone stupid if you happen to be a guy like that. I laughed out loud and told her I fucking hated him-actually that’s not true- I held onto my feelings about him until she was ready to hear it, sometimes that’s VERY important in friendships-my EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE told me so.

3. VIP room VIBES

4. this picture doesn’t quite capture how many people were in front of us walking back because I think this is from right before we sat down.

5. I think I mentioned this but the fine is fifty dollars and it must be paid in cash and exact change. So specific and weird.

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